I am good enough, smart enough, and...oh, never mind!

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Do you want to know what I really hate? I really hate coming to the realization that I do not know what to do. I can not stand that feeling of helplessness that comes over me when I am out of my depths. I had that feeling this past weekend.  I was driving home from a youth retreat and pulled off the highway to get a tank of gas.  After filling the tank the car would not start.  I had someone with me and I just wanted to be able to get this guy home.  We were stuck.  I could not fix it because I know nothing about cars.  Then I had to enter into the process of asking people for help.  It's embarrassing because most of the times the issue that is causing my car problems is some "easy" fix. That feeling is horrible. I had a conversation that Sunday with a man I deeply respect named Jim, he was taking me to buy a battery and to help me install it.  He said, "Dan, you spend your whole life serving others, why do you have such a hard time letting other people serve you?"  That has been the question that has stuck in my mind since.  Why? I don't like letting people serve me because I believe I live an amazing life.  I believe that God has so graciously given me all I need to provide for my family.  I see the body of Christ constantly meeting any need my family has and it is an honor to serve them. It seems that it is not fair to keep asking. Yet, this is what being in a community is all about.  It is about people with differing gifts and skills serving one another.  Helping one another.  Caring for one another.  Consider what Paul says in 1 Corinthians:
14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many.15 If the foot should say, Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body, that would not make it any less a part of the body.16 And if the ear should say, Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body, that would not make it any less a part of the body.17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell?18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.19 If all were a single member, where would the body be?20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.
God has, in his goodness and grace, given me gifts of leadership and teaching.  I am not a mechanic.  I can barely change a light bulb.  According to Paul this is God's intention for us.  I think this is so that we will never be able to "know ourselves by ourselves" as Wendell Berry says.  We are designed to be in a community and we can only be who we are in a community. It must be time to embrace this reality. What holds you back from entering into community?

Busy is the New Lazy!

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What do you think of when you consider laziness?  My guess is you almost immediately think about some college kid laying on a couch playing XBox or PS3 and skipping classes.  I would tend to agree with you (although when I did this it was a PS, I was not lazy, I was saving my energy!). Dan Allender in Leading With a Limp argues that busy is the new lazy. He says, "Being busy seems to be the polar opposite of laziness, but a busy person is not so much active as lost. (128)" Wow! That is a paradigm shifter. In the Matrix of Brokenness Allender argues that weariness is something that all leaders will face and they will respond with either fatalism or hope. Fatalism usually displays itself in the context busyness.  Hope comes when we find disillusionment in these lesser things that keep us busy. As we become disillusioned we turn toward that greater love, the Christ who called us initially and become bold in our declaration that he is best and lesser things must find their proper place. As I read this I could not help but think of Hebrews 4:
“Therefore, while the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us fear lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it. For good news came to us just as to them, but the message they heard did not benefit them, because they were not united by faith with those who listened.For we who have believed enter that rest, as he has said, “As I swore in my wrath, ‘They shall not enter my rest,’” although his works were finished from the foundation of the world. For he has somewhere spoken of the seventh day in this way: “And God rested on the seventh day from all his works.” And again in this passage he said, “They shall not enter my rest.” Since therefore it remains for some to enter it, and those who formerly received the good news failed to enter because of disobedience, again he appoints a certain day, “Today,” saying through David so long afterward, in the words already quoted, “Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken of another day later on. So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his. Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:1–12 ESV)
This is one of my favorite passages in the Scriptures because it subverts our conception of rest.  We think of rest being a good nap.  Rest is something that can only be found in the creation rhythm of our God as we embrace him in faith. When weariness hits we can become fatalistic and busy ourselves with lesser things.  On the flip we can embrace this Creator God and his rhythm and find rest which provides hope. I know this is a flaw in me.  There have been times in the recent past (not so much since I joined my current ministry team) where I have been weary of a direction or a situation and I determine to busy myself with the building of my own kingdom.  I get busy with minutiae and leave the greater good of vision casting, direction setting, and aligning because of the weariness that comes from dealing with those who struggle to "get it". I am learning that if I am overly "busy" then I am not pursuing the best.  As I look over the last few weeks of my calendar I see that it has been very full.  I know that I have experienced being tired.  However, it has not been busyness.  My tired feeling is an emptiness of serving and giving of the core of my being.  It's a good tired. It's a hopeful tired. I know that I am in process.  I also am thankful for people like Doug who understands the rhythm of the Creator and calls me to account. God has also given me a subversive Bride, Beast, and Princess who draw me into his rest. How about you? Are you experiencing fatalistic busyness or are you disillusioned with the lesser things?

The Manipulation Postulate

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Loneliness, according to Dan Allender in Leading With a Limp, is one of the things that any leader will bump into. He can choose one of two responses: hiding or openness. Hiding is the act of manipulation. We feel alone and solitary.  As a result we hide.  In our hiding we manipulate the world around us to think that all is well.  The next thing you know another pastor has flamed out of ministry or has killed himself.  Leaders are alone.  I have written previously on the "oneness" of ministry. The opposite response is openness or as Allender puts it, "Honest Hunger (120ff)." This honest hunger requires us to open ourselves to people.  This openness is an authentic listening to others and the willingness to invite others in. I don't know if I can explain how hard this is. But maybe using an unrelated illustration will help. I like a good beer.  I enjoy evaluating the hoppiness or wheatiness or aroma or smoothness or flavor of a beer.  I enjoy the experience of sitting with friends at a watering hole and taking in a pint of something dark and rich. When Amy and I worked with Campus Crusade for Christ at Illinois State University we were located in a small town.  We were a part of a small community where people very different opinions about whether someone could drink a beer. Many of these people supported us financially.  I was afraid that if they knew or saw me drink a beer they would stop supporting us. Therefore, we did not drink alcohol of any kind in Bloomington-Normal.  We hid and manipulated the situation. You see, this is the situation that leaders find themselves in every aspect of their lives.  They evaluate every little thing. "If I say I saw THIS movie or that I watched THAT television show or I think THIS political thought or whatever, what will THEY think?" So we hide. We never really tell anybody what we think about anything.  We deflect for the sake of keeping things easy and clean. At some level that is OK.  We are called to respect the weaker brother. This is someone who does not experience the same kind of freedom in Christ that we experience.  However, there comes a point where if you never let anyone in, if you never communicate what you really think about something, you go crazy.  You go crazy because nobody knows you. I am struggling with this.  I am struggling to learn who those people are that I can be completely open and honest with.  I am really struggling with what Allender says though:
"Honest hunger after truth requires us to remain open to everyone, including those with whom we disagree and have conflict. It also requires that we  remain open to the fact that we desperately need the very people who challenge and contradict our cherished notions of the truth. We may never agree, nor do we need to do so, but we need others--especially those who challenge us to dig deeper and become more human. The hunger, then, is not so much for agreement on factual accounts, but more for truth that leads to a greater delight in truth."
Did you catch the "everyone". That will be hard. That will be hard because peace is often my highest goal and not truth. Well do you hide? I do and I have never really liked hide and seek. It's time to call "olly olly oxen free" and end the game and come out of hiding.

I'm a Jerk.

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Jerk: a contemptibly naive, fatuous, foolish, or inconsequential person. I am one. How do I know? I know because in my life I have struggled with the feeling of betrayal. I think I have authentically experienced it. I think that I sometimes read different situations and think that betrayal is happening when it is not.  However, when I face the pain of betrayal or even the perceived pain of betrayal I become a jerk. Dan Allender in Leading With a Limp provides what I call the "Matrix of Brokenness". You can find it here.  Regarding the issue of betrayal Allender argues that narcissism is the negative response.  Where does this narcissistic response come from? It comes from envy (96). Envy grabs you and you respond with a narcissism that is ugly, in short, you become a jerk. When I read that and thought about it I was not sure if I agreed with this idea or not.  However, as I pondered a time over the last few years when I felt betrayed, my evaluation led me to the realization that my initial response was indeed narcissistic and was indeed narcissistic and fueled by envy. I was being evaluated for a leadership position that was being vacated by another person.  I had been in a similar leadership a few years before and in my estimation this would be a formality.  However, it turned out to be one of the most painful experiences I have endured.  I did not get the position.  I did, however, receive a large list of things that I was failing at in ministry, relationships, and perceived in my walk with God.  This list was delivered with the tact and grace of a sledge hammer.  Nonetheless, the evaluation was accurate in many ways.  My initial response was anger and a sense of betrayal. I wanted answers. I wanted to quit.  I stopped relating to God and turned inward.  I was so wrapped up in my own sense of self-confident awesomeness that I could not see how this was God's hand calling me to a new level and season of development. I would not have admitted it then but I was envious of whoever would take on the role that I was passed over for. In my mind this role was an amazing place to serve and lead.  From this role a leader would have influence regionally and nationally within the organization. I was envious that it would not be me. There was not anyone in place to take the role and this envy turned to an ever deepening narcissism. Clearly God needed to teach me. He has. He is. I am still learning this lesson.  I am learning how to respond to all this.  I am learning that often my perception of "betrayal" is nothing more than God using people to move me away from my self-centeredness. This is why the appropriate response to betrayal is gratitude.  I need to be thankful that I have the opportunity to grow closer and to enter more deeply into reliance on God. I am a jerk.  But I am not as much of a jerk as I used to be.

One. Mono. Uno.

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There is a saying, "One is the loneliest number." For many years I thought one was not all that lonely but a nice change of pace. I think that's because in my former life as a staff member with Campus Crusade for Christ there was such a crushing emphasis on team that you almost couldn't escape it.  I am not an introvert by nature so for one  to feel not lonely is saying something.  I have been a "pastor" for one year now.  I am coming to the conclusion that "pastor" equals "one". I want there to be a team around me.

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