The Night The Winds Kept Me Awake

Photo by Timothy Ah Koy

Last night the winds blew. They rattled our home. I could hear the shingles and siding shifting and flexing with each fresh gust. Then came the “BANG!” That sound made my heart skip a beat. Then again, “BANG!” Then, “BANG! BANG!”

I looked out the window and saw what looked to be siding on the lawn. I ran downstairs barefooted and stepped into my boots. There was indeed a hunk of siding, but it was extra from a project our neighbor had done this fall.

Returning to bed I prayed, I asked God to help me sleep. Then, “BANG! BANG! BANG!”

As I laid in my bed my wife slept peacefully next to me. My children slept too. I couldn’t stop hearing the “BANG! BANG!” Every gust awakened my senses to fear of there being major damage to our home. Major damage that I wouldn’t know how to fix.

After two hours of sleeplessness I relocated downstairs where the sounds of the storm were significantly less and I finally slept.

As I reflect on last night I realize that I have a faith problem.

Isaiah 41:13 gives us a glimpse of God’s heart for his people. Isaiah is preaching to God’s people in exile and here he reminds them of God’s love and care, “For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

In that moment last night, I couldn’t sleep because I didn’t really believe this. I was focused on the symptom of my lack of faith and trust, namely, my inability to fall asleep. But, the root problem was that in that moment I couldn’t trust God. I was like Peter stepping onto the stormy sea. I was so caught up in the storm that I sunk.

Now what? Now, I need to deal with this struggle of faith. I need my mind to be renewed so that my heart can follow. I need to remember again that the Lord my God is holding my right hand and is helping me.

I Have So Little Faith was originally published in The Rev on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.