Daniel Rose

The one about bringing the outsider in...

Passage:

Then Jesus took the Twelve off to the side and said, "Listen carefully. We're on our way up to Jerusalem. Everything written in the Prophets about the Son of Man will take place. He will be handed over to the Romans, jeered at, made sport of, and spit on. Then, after giving him the third degree, they will kill him. In three days he will rise, alive." But they didn't get it, could make neither heads nor tails of what he was talking about.

He came to the outskirts of Jericho. A blind man was sitting beside the road asking for handouts. When he heard the rustle of the crowd, he asked what was going on. They told him, "Jesus the Nazarene is going by."

He yelled, "Jesus! Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!"

Those ahead of Jesus told the man to shut up, but he only yelled all the louder, "Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!"

Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over. When he had come near, Jesus asked, "What do you want from me?"

He said, "Master, I want to see again."

Jesus said, "Go ahead—see again! Your faith has saved and healed you!" The healing was instant: He looked up, seeing—and then followed Jesus, glorifying God. Everyone in the street joined in, shouting praise to God.

Last week I wrote about the persistent widow and a persistent faith. This morning we see another example of persistent faith in the story of the blind man.

What I think is really interesting here is how obvious it becomes that he is on the outside of his community looking in. As great as the miracle of “seeing” is, it is really only a small part when we look at the story through the lens of the blind man.

Jesus is rolling into Jericho. At the outskirts of the city, the part of the city that would have left the man unprotected and exposed to all kinds of dangers, the blind man was begging. In so many ways he was sitting outside the life of his society. He couldn’t work and so he was dependent on the alms giving of those entering and leaving the town. He was physically outside of the town so he couldn’t get money from those residents milling about in the town square. This man was physically an outsider.

Once he is told about Jesus coming to town he begins to cry out for mercy from Jesus. What happens? He is told to be quiet. His voice is silenced by those who were not excluded from the community. The blind man’s position in the community was reinforced by the attempt to keep him from receiving mercy. He didn’t deserve it. He was a blind beggar on the outskirts, it would be better for him to be quiet.

Yet, this blind man persisted. He lived out the parable of the widow. We read that he didn’t back down, he didn’t get quiet, he didn’t shut up. No, he cried out all the louder and all the more. The blind man had a faith that persisted in the face of resistance. He kept crying out for Jesus to have mercy.

Did you catch what Jesus did in response? “Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over.” There was a physical change in location for the man. He was brought to Jesus. He was physically moved from the outside to the inside, close to Jesus. This was the beginning of reconciling the man not only to God but also the community. Then, Jesus heals the man.

What happens next? “He looked up, seeing—and then followed Jesus, glorifying God. Everyone in the street joined in, shouting praise to God.” He had become part of the community. He was now in the midst of the crowd and following Jesus and worshiping with the community around Jesus.

We cannot miss how what was really going on here was the inclusion of the man into the community as a result of his healing. It was just that he regained sight. It was that he was no longer left on the outskirts of town to fend for himself. He was brought into connection, community, and society. In a very real and clear sense he was redeemed and reconciled.

His persistent faith brought him into deeper connection with those around him.

I keep praying that God will open my eyes to those on the outside who are crying out, “Jesus have mercy on me!” And instead of telling them to shut up I want to bring them close to Jesus. Too often over the last 70 years or so, those who have been crying out, “Jesus have mercy on me!” have been told to shut up.

We need to change that.

The one where I confess...

Passage:

He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: "Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: 'Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.'

"Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, 'God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.'"

Jesus commented, "This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you're going to end up flat on your face, but if you're content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself."

As I read this passage this morning the question was loud and clear: Which of these two men am I?

Clearly, I’m the Pharisee.

I have a very high regard for my personal level of awesome. I’m quite confident in the depth and purity of my faith. As look out at the world around me I see so many “tax collectors” that I am glad I am not like.

You may think I’m being facetious or trying to make myself look contrite by identifying with the “villain” of this story. That’s an old preacher’s trick by the way, you make yourself look bad but in so doing you’re making yourself look good (the Apostle Paul did it quite a bit and it makes me chuckle).

I’m completely serious. Over the last number of years there have been so many people that I have looked down my nose at. As I reflect on this reality it makes me a little sick to my stomach. Sure, I talk a big game about loving well and all that, but in those places deep down that we don’t talk about at parties, I am this Pharisee.

One of my favorite song writers is Derek Webb. He wrote a song called “Crooked Deep Down” the opening lines go like this:

My life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
Just don't ask my real good friends
Because they will lie to you
Or worse, they'll tell the truth

Because there are things you would not believe
That travel into my mind
I swear i try and capture them
But always set 'em free
It seems bad things comfort me

This story told by Jesus reminds me that this is the reality of what is going on in my soul. If I were really honest about myself, then I’d have an attitude towards the divine and others would be more like the “tax collector.”

I hope that I’m growing in this.

I see in myself much self-righteousness and arrogance. I desperately want to eradicate those things from my life.

How about you? Where are you in the process? With whom do you most closely identify in this story?

Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash

I know the headings in the Bible are not Scripture. But, every once in a while the heading brings me up short. I opened my copy of the Scriptures and turned to Matthew 1. The heading immediately following the genealogy of Jesus says, in bold, Joseph Accepts Jesus as His Son.

Thankfully, my dad has always accepted me as his son. But there have been times when our relationship has been more distant than either of us would have liked. I distinctly remember a period in my life when all I wanted was to hear him say, “I’m proud of you.” When that day came it lifted my spirit and soul in a way that is difficult to explain.

When I saw that heading my mind immediately went to friends who have not been accepted by their parents. The hurt, anguish, and heartbreak of their experience is too painful for words. Some of you reading this, may have experienced similar trauma in your life. If you have, I am so sorry. To be found unacceptable by a parent is more painful than anything I could describe. My heart aches with yours.

Jesus, prior to being born could have experienced something similar. The Scriptures say,

His mother Mary was pledged to be married Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. (Matthew 1:18–19)

The story continues that Joseph had a dream and the angel of the Lord appeared to him and explained everything. Most importantly he helped Joseph understand the singular importance of the life that Mary carried inside her: “he will save his people from their sins.” Joseph most likely didn’t think of that the way modern Evangelicals do. He most likely thought that this meant his son would become a great military leader and lead the Jews to victory over the Romans, bringing them out of exile.

Joseph wakes up and did what he was commanded to do. In other words, he continued to be a man who was faithful.

Ultimately, God the Father wanted to make sure that God the Son’s earthly father accepted him. What beauty is that? What great love?

One of my favorite television shows is The Resident. One of the story lines is about a doctor who was adopted and then his birth parents came back wanting a relationship. It is beautiful as they work through all the emotions and desires of the birth parents wanting what was best for their son. There is also great beauty in the relationship of the son to the adoptive parents. This was all rooted in the context of mutual love.

In some sense Joseph was Jesus’ adoptive father. He had to make a choice to accept him or not. He chose acceptance and cared for him as his own.

I think that in this story of Jesus we see our own stories reflected. We desire to be loved and accepted, particularly by those closest to us. We often fear that our parents will reject us. Or our spouses or close friends. In each of us is the innate desire to be loved for who we are, accepted.

This played out for me with a desire to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.” When he did, I knew that I was accepted. There was a confidence in me that he saw me for who I was and embraced me. If my story was ever written the heading of that chapter would be Mark Accepts Dan as His Son and it would it be beautiful, because it was. And the thing is, it wasn’t some big momentous occasion, it was just a comment in a phone call. Those are often when beauty shines brightest.

Do you have stories of acceptance? Or stories of not being accepted? I invite you to share them in the comments. If you need someone to embrace you and let you know you’re accepted, reach out, I’m here.

Originally published at https://danrose.substack.com.

I am fascinated by the person of Jesus. There is no other person in the history of the world that I would more like to have a beverage with. He’d probably have a few glasses of wine and I would enjoy a nice bourbon. Most likely, we’d be enjoying some hummus, pita, and a plate of fresh fruit and vegetables.

Honestly, I dream often about this.

In my imagination, he’s quick with a laugh, an ironic comment, and has a sly smile. In my mind’s eye he’s also one who moves beyond small talk to discussions of substantial things. He challenges you in all the best ways. There is little that escapes his attention. He is confident, but humble. Strong and bold, yet gentle.

Those are the images that I get from reading his story in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

These images draw me in and I want to know more.

I am pretty sure that I could read stuff on the “historical” Jesus on a never ending basis. Documentaries about Jesus are like catnip for me. I can’t turn away. Apparently, I have a never ending hunger for information about Jesus.

Perhaps it’s because there are so many theories. Maybe, it’s because the quest for a “historical” Jesus is somewhat elusive. Whatever it is, I have not found a person in history that piques my interest or curiosity more than Jesus of Nazareth.

I think one of the things that I appreciate about the story of Jesus is that it’s honest. Right from the jump, his family history is not that great. If you just hit the highlights, Abraham was a habitual liar and raped his slave at the request of his wife and got her pregnant. Rahab was a prostitute. Judah committed adultery with his daughter-in-law because he she was a prostitute and got her pregnant. King David was a rapist and a murderer. Jesus also had some good folks in his family like Ruth, Boaz, Hezekiah, and Josiah.

When I consider my family history particularly in relation to divorce and substance abuse, I used to feel shame. We often joke that our family tree is more of a family hedgerow due to divorce and remarriage. As I was moving toward marriage there was a very real sense of dread and worry that I would perpetuate that cycle. Amy and I decided that we would never use the “D” word or even joke about it.

As messed as my family history is, when I compare it to the likes of Jesus’ family history it pales in comparison. Jesus’ family was dysfunctional and yet he overcame that dysfunction. What is even more beautiful to me is that those who wrote his story down didn’t shy away from the ugly parts. They leaned into them and put them on display.

Jesus, came from a family that knew brokenness and pain. His family knew shame and dishonor. He could identify and empathize with those whose family stories were similar to his. People like me who aren’t necessarily proud of the way our family histories shook out can find, in Jesus, someone who says, “I get it.” He shows us that from that place we can redeem the family heritage and help to leverage and highlight the good and the beautiful aspects of that history, while not ignoring the hard stuff.

In the person Jesus, I can see my own story and its redemption.

There are many aspects of the Jesus story that are beautiful. But, this part of his humanity may be the most attractive and intriguing. It is in his humanity that we can see ourselves and know our own stories are never beyond redemption or reconciliation.

Originally published at https://danrose.substack.com.

Part 11 of 11 on Parenting Principles

One of the most important leadership principles that I’ve learned over the years is to begin with the end in mind. When it comes to parenting this might be the most true thing. I was talking parenting one day with a friend and he said, “You know Dan, we’re not raising children, we are raising adults.” My friend put into words, so succinctly, what we had already been pursuing. I don’t think that Amy and I realized that had been the driving principle in our parenting but now that we had words for it, we have shared this with anyone who will listen.

There is a significant difference between raising children and raising adults. I’m not sure we think about this reality enough. If we are raising children then our end goal is to have children. With the rise of extended adolescence we are seeing the results of this parenting principle. We, the adults are making decisions that don’t propel children toward adulthood but seek to keep them in a state of childhood.

What do I mean? We are seeing a rise of children with an over-dependence on their parents well past the time they should be. We, parents, love feeling needed. It gives us a sense of identity. I am a mom. I am a dad. When parenthood becomes our identity, when it fills in our, I am, then we will protect that state of being. This has given rise to the now famous “helicopter parents.” They follow their children around and hover over them well into what used to be adulthood. If we, parents, are all honest with ourselves we love being needed by our children. And, if raising children is the end that we have in mind then that is where they will stay.

What I don’t mean is that we should expose children to adult themes and realities at extremely young ages. Kids growing up too fast is real thing in our day. Many kids are growing up in situations where they have to deal with adult issues at extremely young ages and this creates significant problems too. We need to intentionally give children increasing amounts of responsibility and ownership over their lives. We don’t just let a five year old fend for themselves. In some segments of our society this is the sad reality and it has disastrous consequences.

Moving children intentionally toward adulthood begins to shape our thinking about the decisions we make in our parenting. We will be on the lookout for opportunities to hand more authority over to them. This is scary for us as parents, particularly when we find our identities rooted in the children.

For example, let’s talk about letting go of dressing our children. When this process begins, most kids will put some crazy combination of clothing on their bodies. Boys, for some reason, typically end up with underwear on their head. As a result, we feel shame because their clothes don’t match. This is much of the reason why we are afraid to hand over the reins of getting dressed. We don’t want to look bad because our kids are a mess. Giving over ownership and authority to a child doesn’t mean that we disengage from their process. They are learning a new skill and that means that we need to work with them in developing that skill. So, we help them learn to make appropriate choices in their wardrobe. Some days, wearing your princess costume is appropriate and other days it’s not. They won’t know when those days are unless we help them through it.

This process of teaching new skills and then letting go is difficult for parents. It’s difficult because it’s time consuming and exhausting. It’s just easier if I dress them. Indeed it is, but it doesn’t help you move toward the goal of raising an adult. There will be lots of things in their lives that will be easier if you just do it for them. But, easier is not always better. At the same time, there will be days when you’re exhausted, when your nerves have been stretched to the end, and you just need to get them dressed and out the door. Sometimes, we need to go that route. Remember, there is grace in all of this. It is art not science.

If we start with the goal of raising adults it forces us to ask some important questions. How we answer these questions begins to shape the principles that we will embrace as parents. This is because the answers will help us to see what skills, principles, and values we want to intentionally build into their lives. This gives us a road-map toward the decisions we will make as we parent and seek to move them toward adulthood.

What do I consider a successful adult to be like?

What kinds of people do I like?

What do I wish I would have known as I was stepping out into the world?

If I’m a successful parent, what will my kids be like when they are adults?

These are a few questions to wrestle with in your parenting as you think about moving the children entrusted to you towards adulthood.

Amy and I joke that we wanted our kids to grow into adults that we want to go on vacation with. I think we’ve done that. Just as importantly, I think that our kids want to go on vacation with us. You see, vacations are something you do by choice. You choose how, where, who with, and when, you want to spend your vacation. Most of us want to spend our vacations with people we enjoy being around. As our son and daughter are moving towards being on their own, we are grateful that we want to willingly spend time with them and they with us. They are the kind of adults that we want to be around.

We must start with the end in mind. Knowing where we are going is critical to getting to the destination.

Originally published at https://danielmrose.com on March 4, 2020.

Part 10 of 11 on Parenting Principles

Do as I say, not as I do.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one. There is a lot of talk about just about everything. This series of articles on parenting included. It’s all talk.

Talk. Talk. Talk.

If we are going to be serious about embracing principles of parenting then we have to live them out. This really goes for anything in our lives. I have a friend that says, “Acta Non Verba.” That translates to “actions not words.” I love this because it is a reminder that if we are all talk and no action then the talk is meaningless.

All of these things I have written about are principles that Amy and I attempt to live out on a daily basis. We succeed some days more than others. But, it is not from lack of effort. Now that our kids are older we are often called (well, I am) out by them when we fail to uphold the principles that we have sought live out.

I find this to be the greatest compliment of all.

How can that be? It seems so disrespectful, you may say. It brings me joy because it means that we live out our principles consistently enough that our children are able to identify the moments when we are falling short. If we didn’t model our principles then they would know it’s all fake. But, what they see on a regular basis is that we are living out what we have preached for their whole lives.

Modeling your principles means that you are embodying them. Words without flesh are just empty statements. They mean nothing. Jesus spoke of this when he was challenging some of the religious leaders of his day. He said that they were “whitewashed tombs.” They looked good on the outside but were dead on the inside.

Life comes from action. Principles that shape our lives are bigger than just parenting principles. Our kids will watch and see if our words line up with the way we live our lives. We must live out the words we speak.

This means that we must live lives of integrity. I am finding that true integrity is found in people whose lives are not disintegrated.

What do I mean by disintegrated? What I mean is that the person with integrity is one who has a life that is consistent across all the spheres within which they live. That is, the Facebook version is the same as the Office version is the same as the Family version is the same as the Church version is the same as the Bar version is the same as the…

You get the idea.

A person with integrity is the same wherever they are. Their life is fully integrated. For good or ill. I think one of the highest compliments you can give a person is that they live with integrity. That their life is consistent.

Even if you disagree with the way they live their life.

The person of integrity is the same wherever they are. The disintegrated person changes like the chameleon. This isn’t a moral or ethical failing, it simply removes trust.You can’t trust someone who lives without integrity (disintegrated). You can’t trust them because you never know where you stand.

Children need their parents to be integrated. They need us to have these kinds of lives that allow them to trust us. As parents we cannot create environments of trust if we don’t have integrated lives. Our principles must be embodied and lived.

I am convinced that we must live integrated lives so that our children can be sure of who their parents are. When we say, “I love you,” or “I am proud of you,” we want them to believe these statements. Because life is caught not taught, they must see on a daily basis that our words are not hollow.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on March 3, 2020.

Part 9 of 11 on Parenting Principles

I think the biggest trap that we fall into as parents is the trap of making excuses for our kids. My mom was a teacher for decades. During her time as a teacher she saw a shift occur from parents holding their children responsible for their actions to blaming the teacher. This shift is very damaging. Why? If we don’t hold our children responsible for their actions we are stunting their growth into adulthood.

Over the years of participating in sports I’ve made my share of excuses for my kids when they didn’t perform well.

“They were tired.” 
“They were sick.” 
“That official was garbage.”

I’ve used them all.

I regret it.

When you love someone you want them to succeed and you want to defend them against those who speak negatively. I’ve grown as a parent in this area. I am finding myself able to say, “He had a bad game today.” It’s really hard to do. When we look at our kids we see them through the lens of the parent.

I have written elsewhere about not tying our identity to our kids. When we make excuses for them it is rooted in our over identification with them. We feel attacked by those who are critiquing our kids, even if they are right! Why? They’re not critiquing us. Why do we feel attacked and why do we feel the need to make excuses? Because our identity is overly connected with our kids and their performances or obedience.

My rival growing up was a kid whose mom never believed her little baby ever did anything wrong. As a result he was mean and nasty whenever he felt like it. “I will call your mother,” held no sway because he knew she would believe him and not anyone else. All he had to say was, “I didn’t do it,” and that was that. It drove my own mom crazy. She held my brothers and I accountable for our actions. It didn’t matter the circumstance, “Did you know what was the right thing to do? Then why didn’t you do it?” She would often ask.

When we make excuses for the children entrusted to us we are undercutting their sense of righteousness and justice. It becomes very difficult for them to understand and know what right and wrong looks like if we do not help them learn those things. This will often come about from holding them accountable to for their actions.

Making excuses also limits their ability to reach their potential in whatever it is they are doing. I was a teacher’s pet in school. I was a “nice boy” and pretty obedient. As a result most teachers gave me a pass. I was able to skate through my education with great grades and little effort. Two teachers stand out though. The first is Mrs Kramer. I was in 5th grade and we had an assignment to edit a page of text. I was missing one of the errors and she made me stay after school until I found it. I was a “walker,” and when I didn’t arrive home at my usual time my mom came up to school. She found me angry, frustrated, and in tears hunched over a paper. Her response? She thanked Mrs Kramer. In tenth grade I received my first ever non-A, I didn’t get a B, I got a C in English. We went to parent-teacher conferences and my teacher, Ms Feldman, thought for sure my mom was about to rip her a new one. What did my mom do? She thanked Ms Feldman for holding me to a standard that fit my abilities. I credit Ms Feldman with the fact that I am a half-way decent writer today.

If we want the children entrusted to us to reach their full potential we must hold them accountable and not make excuses. Each of them will have different abilities and strengths and gifts. Our job is not to push them into something but help them pursue and accomplish the things that they have said they want to do.

Along with not making excuses for our kids, we have to avoid making excuses for ourselves. There are times when we will not be good parents. There will be times when we will just simply blow it. When those times happen we have the responsibility to own our actions and model it. Sometimes this looks like us asking for forgiveness (go check that post out, it’s a good one!). Other times it will be as a result of us being held accountable by our employer. When that happens we must own our actions and take responsibility. Remember, much of what children learn is caught not taught.

Not making excuses for our kids is the hardest thing I have had to learn as a parent. It’s a principle that I wish I had embraced earlier. I’m still learning it and still catch myself being overly defensive when it comes to my kids.

It’s all a process.

I’ll keep trying and invite you to do so too!

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on March 2, 2020.

Part 8 of 11 on Parenting Principles

After my parents divorce I will never forget something that my mom told us over and over: You will not be a statistic. She never let us use the fact that our parents were divorced as an excuse to do poorly in school or misbehave. My dad would often talk to us about how people knew our last name and that what we did reflected on the family business. My parents had expectations for my brothers and I. Amy’s (my wife) parents had similar expectations for her and her sisters. There was an expectation of hard work, commitment, and the pursuit of excellence.

Some people think that “expectation” is a dirty word. Sometimes “expectation” becomes an opportunity for legalism and judgment. That is a possible threat. Often when I talk about expectations people immediately jump to an image of a parent living vicariously through their children in some activity. Do we need to guard against that in our setting of expectations? Absolutely. When we make expectations about us as opposed to helping the children entrusted to us, then that is seriously problematic. How do we guard against that? I think that we do so by setting expectations at a 100,000 foot level. This means that we avoid particulars in our setting of expectations and focus on principles. There’s that word again, principle. Principles function to provide frameworks with flexibility. This means that there is room for grace, mercy, and patience. An example of overly specific expectations would be: I want my kid to be a professional baseball player. If we make that an expectation then we will experience great frustration and our child will most likely experience failure. Yes, that sets a high bar, but by being overly specific it doesn’t allow for grace and for the child to become who they were created to be.

Healthy and good expectations are broad and big picture. By being big picture, expectations allow for each child to uniquely fulfill their personal calling as a human. What we are consistently learning as parents is that whatever expectations we set for the children in our care they tend to meet. Whatever the bar is set at they tend to rise to it. Therefore, we must find and set expectations that will be challenging and hold them to a high standard but be general enough that they can uniquely rise up to them.

Even though I’ve, mostly, been successful at avoiding getting specific in this series and telling you what we do, this time I’m going share with you some of the expectations that we have for Ethan and Libby. I’m doing this because it’s easier to give examples of this than to try to give you some sort of nebulous description. In doing so, I want to remind you, take this with a grain of salt, these are things that Amy and I have chosen to embrace in our family, our setting, our circumstance, and our personal context. These are not meant to be a recipe for everyone to embrace.

One of the earliest expectations that we set is that Ethan and Libby would be friends. As all kids do they would get snippy with one another and argue. Ethan would bug Libby and she would get mad and vice versa. When those things happened we would intentionally help them figure out how to reconcile and we would remind them that we have the expectation of them being one another’s best friend. We simply expected it. There was no debate or conversation. This required us as parents to engage as “relationship counselors” on a regular basis during various seasons of life. Often, we would talk about how there is team kid and team parent. It has become a fun way to remind them they are on the same team and that they need one another. Now that they are about to move into adulthood, it appears that they are meeting that expectation. We love watching their relationship and seeing how they have one another’s backs completely. They get mad at one another and drive each other a little crazy, yet there is nobody they love more.

Another expectation that we have is that they will give 100% effort at school. We don’t worry about grades. Those will take care of themselves. What we care about is the effort. Some children are naturally gifted with the ability to succeed in school and others are not. For some, 100% effort means that they will get grades that are just good enough to graduate. For others 100% effort means that they will be placing themselves in more and more challenging environments because they can get grades with 25% effort. Do you see how a principle driven approach to expectation setting offers flexibility and room for grace?

One last example of an expectation that we have for Ethan and Libby is that they will be kind. This expectation has opened up many conversations with the kids about all kinds of things. We are able to talk about justice and loving well. It provides a context for us to challenge them to embrace those on the fringes. Kindness is broad enough that there are many avenues to enter into conversations and challenge them to continue to grow as people. Not only that, but it provides a structure for the kids to challenge us as parents too. Kindness is a clear means by which we can all sharpen one another and be vulnerable with one another.

Do not be afraid of setting expectations! They provide the paths by which we get to help children grow. The best part of having expectations? Opportunities to celebrate and affirm children’s success.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 28, 2020.

Part 7 of 11 on Parenting Principles

Keeping up with the Jones’ is one of the single greatest temptations that we face as parents. Someone always has the nicer car, the nicer house, or the better toys for their kids. Early on in our parenting Amy and I decided that we were going to choose experiences over stuff for our family. We have learned that this was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

How are you able to pay for travel sports on a pastor’s salary? All the travel and eating out that goes with it adds up. How do you do it? These are some of the questions that we’ve been asked over the years. It’s very simple, we have decided that providing experiences for our kids is more important than giving them things. We intentionally choose to spend on experiences because they are more significant over the long haul.

Stuff comes and goes, but experiences last a lifetime

This is absolutely true. The picture above is from the summer that we went to Budapest, Hungary. Amy was working for our denomination’s world missions organization at the time and they were holding a conference there. When we realized that we had the opportunity to get our family to another country we jumped at the chance. While Amy was working, the kids and I were able to explore a new country. The memories made will last us forever.

When you choose experience over stuff you are also choosing relationship. Just giving children stuff communicates that you would prefer them to be seen not heard. Experiences are almost always linked to engagement. Leaving town or heading out on a local adventure usually means that there are significant times where the phones are put away and we are doing something together.

My job as a pastor has always provided me with great flexibility. This means that during the summer I am a bit of a stay-at-home dad. Amy will head off to work and I will be the responsible adult at home. One summer the kids and I took off to downtown Ypsilanti for the farmer’s market. It was a really cool afternoon. We laughed a ton and had an experience together. Out of that experience came some good conversations about food and the poor. At our farmer’s market if you were on food stamps you could get tokens to use for food from the vendors. This was something that I had never seen before nor had my kids. So, as we were driving home we had a good conversation about what all that meant.

Experiences open us up to new ways of seeing the world and new people. They also help kids grow in compassion, empathy, and openness. As we explore places together the “why?” question is quick to come. As a result, we can help our kids make sense of a confusing world. It also helps them to be confident and not live in fear. I love the fact that our kids are not afraid to get in a car with their friends and check out some new place. They have learned to be aware of their surroundings and also to be curious about their world.

By choosing experience over stuff it makes it very easy to make certain decisions. When the kids come home and say they want to go out to dinner, more times than not, we say yes. Why? Because we are making the principled decision to have an experience with our kids. I don’t know why, but when you’re out at a restaurant it seems that the conversation flows easier. The phones also seem to go away, usually at the prompting of Ethan and Libby. I think it’s because there are fewer distractions. We are in a sense “trapped” together. Nobody is in the kitchen working on preparing food or thinking about cleaning up, when the fast eater finishes there’s no place for them to go. It’s almost as if our family has been trained to engage with one another when we are out and about.

This principle more than any other may point most clearly as to why we have decided to parent from a principled perspective. It helps us to make decisions in the context of our parenting. Parenting is hard enough without always having to go back to the drawing board for every single decision. By embracing a principle of experience over stuff we are able to quickly say “yes” and just as easily say “no.” The impact that this has is one that I’m not sure we will ever fully be able to know. Choosing how to spend money is something that can be so hard when you’re making those decisions in a vacuum. There are going to be times when the kids to have some “thing.” When they were little it was so nice to be able to say, “We aren’t going to buy that because it’s way more fun to go to Florida and play at the beach with your cousins.” This helps them gain perspective and see the value in people and experience over the value of stuff. Now that they are older they just get it.

When you choose experience over stuff you are creating a context where the children who are entrusted to you will begin to comprehend that the greater value is people and relationship. An adventure and a meal is so much more significant than a shiny object that will lose its luster after a few weeks.

Parents, let’s choose experience over stuff!

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 27, 2020.

Part 6 of 11 on Parenting Principles

There is this great video that circulates on social media every so often. It is a dad and his son sitting on the couch watching a show. The little boy is probably about a year old. The two of them are having an in depth conversation about whatever it is they are watching. It’s absolutely hilarious and adorable. The little guy is babbling and the dad is responding to him. Their conversation is absolutely brilliant.

One of the principles that we have followed over our years of parenting is that we have made the conscious decision to speak with our kids. There is an old saying that children are to “be seen, not heard.” That is absolute baloney. Kids are part of our family structure, critically important members of the household and they need to speak and be spoken to.

Over the years we have had to make some big family decisions, like any family does. When we do, our family gets around a table and talks through the decision together. We don’t speak down to our kids, we tell them like it is and invite them into the process. I am so thankful for the insight and input they have offered. Because we engage them in this way, they have always felt part of the decision making process and have owned the decisions with my wife and I.

I’m not a child psychologist, so take the following with a grain of salt. I did a bit of research on the Google Machine regarding talking to your babies. Some research shows that baby talk (you know googoo gaagaa and the like) are good. Some research shows that using real language with your baby is the best. I think that the key thing to remember is that whichever approach you use what is important is that you are engaging your child. We weren’t big “baby talk” parents. We typically spoke to our kids like we would anyone else. I think that helped them in language development and having the confidence to speak with a variety of people.

In our day and age one of the most difficult things to do is to put our mobile devices away and be present with those around us. These little handheld computers are ever present. My kids have called me out more times than I can count about my device at the dinner table. They want me to be present with them. Why? Because we have always spoken to them. For their whole lives we have been intentional to engage them in conversation. As a result, when we are disengaged it bothers them and they know that they can call us on that. It’s never fun to be challenged by your kids, but when it does we are wise to listen.

Part of the process of speaking to our children is teaching them how to have conversations. There are little things like looking people in the eyes when you meet them or turn your body to face the person you’re speaking to. We try really hard to not simply yell to one another from other rooms in our home. My wife is really good about intentionally inviting us to whatever room she is in to talk.

People have consistently been impressed by our children’s ability to converse and connect with kids and adults. When you actually talk to your kids they learn from you how to engage in conversation. Remember, much of this is caught, not taught. We cannot be afraid of having hard conversations with our kids. Whether it is religion, politics, our bodies, pop culture, or anything in between. I try to be as honest as possible with them. There are times when I’m not an open book because it’s not healthy for them. However, if I want them to be authentic with me, I need to model that.

As our kids have walked through the various difficulties of life, there have been many conversations about my own doubts and struggles. I haven’t hidden those. This creates a context where they know that we can talk about such things because Mom and Dad don’t have it all figured out, they don’t have to either.

Inherent in all of this is the absolute necessity for parents to listen. Too often we think we have it all figured out and when it comes to engaging with our kids we are simply waiting for our next opportunity to speak. If we’re really honest, that’s how most of our conversations go, even with adults. Listening to our children communicates trust, respect, and love. It’s very difficult to listen to someone you don’t trust. It’s even harder if you don’t respect them. If you don’t love them, it might be impossible. If we want to build authentic relationships with our kids then we must listen to them. They know when we are not paying attention or we are going through the motions. It’s going to happen. The 117th time they’ve talked about some tv show that we have no interest in, our eyes are going to glaze over. But, we have to be sure that we are listening intently so as to not miss what is important. They will give us clues as to why something is important to them. This is what we want to discover and then fan that into a flame.

All of this comes back to the principle of “speak with them.” When we intentionally engage our kids in conversation we begin to create the environment for so many of the other principles.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 26, 2020.

Part 5 on Parenting Principles

Shortly after Ethan was born a couple from the church we were attending invited us over to their home for lunch. The purpose was to sit around and talk parenting. They were significantly further down the road than we were. We did lunch a good handful of times and it was really helpful for Amy and I.

One of the things that we talked about was disciplining children. At this point, you may think I’m going to write about what kind of discipline that they suggested. I’m not. That is something that you need to work through on your own. Honestly, I don’t remember if they even suggested a particular type of disciplinary style to us or not. What I do remember is that they encouraged us to be consistent in whatever we did.

Over the years I’ve learned that consistency in parenting, particularly relating to discipline, is one principle that is easier talked about than done. So, how do you practice consistency?

First, realize that whatever punishment you mete out to the child entrusted to you is your punishment as well. What do I mean? There are consequences to decisions that parents make and often we don’t think about those consequences until after the fact. For instance, if you ground a child for a week, you’re grounded too. This often means that a grounding usually only lasts as long as it’s convenient for the parent. As a result, Amy and I found that identifying things of value and withholding them were far more effective measures, because they allowed us to be consistent.

Second, let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no.” Something that we did for a period of time was what I call the “counting game.” We would ask Ethan to do something and then start counting. Guess what? He never did anything on “1.” He was always pressure prompted, so to speak. After a while, especially after Libby was born, we decided to simply have the expectation that they would do something when we asked. This helped them learn to respect other people, not just mom and dad. It also brought the tension level down in our home. We would come alongside in the moment and help them accomplish what we asked. As they got older, it was just part of them to respond or to say, “I am in the middle of something. I will do it when I’m done.”

Third, make sure the punishment fits the crime. It is very difficult to be consistent if you’re all over the map in your discipline. You want to be sure that you don’t go over board on small things and have no place to go for big things.

Fourth, figure out what hills you’re going to fight for. Everything doesn’t need to be a struggle to dominance. Clearly identify your family priorities. For instance, we have focused most of our discipline in the areas of gratitude, relational connection, truth telling, and respect. As a result, there are a lot of other things we have let slide. We will talk about other stuff and raise issues with the kids as we see them, but if they aren’t in one of those key areas we rarely “discipline” for what we’ve identified are small issues.

Finally, we have learned to try and not practice discipline when we are angry. Anger gives way to over punishment and lack of grace. There are many times when I have had to remove myself for a period of time to collect myself. It is nearly impossible to be consistent when you’re mad. There is nothing wrong with letting some time pass and circling back for the conversation. Everything does not need to be done in the moment.

Consistency is crucial. It creates an environment where everyone knows where they stand. If we are inconsistent then the environment that kids find themselves in will be unstable. This instability leads to more difficulties in the long run.

Consistency isn’t just about discipline. We must be consistent in praise and encouragement too. Parents have the unique role of speaking life and love into the children entrusted to them. Do not lose sight of this! There is nothing better than holding your son or daughter close and whispering words love and affirmation to them. You can actually feel their whole body relax and even when they’re teens you can feel their head nestle just a bit closer.

I have written elsewhere about the importance of grace, truth, and time in our development of people. When we consistently speak and apply grace, truth, and time to the children entrusted to us we give them the best chances of growing into kind, loving, and gracious adults.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 25, 2020.

Part 4 of 11 on Principles of Parenting

I don’t remember the details of what happened. Ethan was probably five or six. What I do remember is that he was disobedient. Whatever it was that he did, Amy and I were angry about it. I am sure I raised my voice and sent him to his room.

While the details are foggy, what I do remember is going into his room and sitting with him on his bed. He was crying. Those deep sobs that only little kids who are fully aware of their shame and guilt can cry. The tears were gigantic. The breaths were deep and his whole body shuttered.

I looked at him and we talked about what had happened. We discussed whatever this really huge deal was. Then I pulled him in close and told him we were not going to punish him. Mom and I were going to extend to him grace. We talked about what that meant how it’s a very special gift.

One of the greatest things that we get to do as parents is extend grace. There will be times when the children who are entrusted to us will be disobedient. It is just part of the reality of being human. Many times we will need to discipline them and be consistent in doing so. Yet, there will be times that we get to live the gospel by extending grace.

When that happens, we have the responsibility to explain what is going on and what it is we are doing. It’s not just ignoring the bad behavior. No, we get to model what Jesus did for us on the cross. The grace of Christ is one that is not cheap. It cost something. In the same way, the grace that we extend to the children entruted to us is costly. Extending grace requires time and patience and often difficult conversations.

Often, it is easier to simply punish. Punishment is focused and it is something that is clean. If we are honest with ourselves, punishment often feels good because we feel like we are accomplishing something.

Grace on the other hand often feels like we are shirking responsbility. This could not be further from the truth. When we extend grace we are embodying love and truth in a way that is more powerful than any measure of discipline could ever be.

I love being able to extend grace to Ethan and Libby. As they have aged that begins to look different than it did when they were little. Now, grace looks a lot like me extending extra time for things we have asked them to do. More times than not it is us listening to them and hearing their “side of the story.” These moments of grace are significant and beyond important.

When we extend grace it creates a context for them to know that they will not be crushed by rules or legalism. Amy and I often look for ways to extend grace to our kids. This means that we limit the number of rules in our home. We want them to feel and know that they live in a context of grace, every single day.

When we create an environment of grace it provides our kids with the knowledge that they can come to us with anything. I don’t want my kids to ever feel that I am unsafe. Life comes at all of us pretty fast and we need to know who are the people that we can trust. Amy and I desperately want to be at the top of that list for Ethan and Libby. I think that we have succeeded. That success, I believe, is largely rooted in the context of grace that we have built over the last 18 years.

One last thing that I have noticed is that Ethan and Libby extend grace to one another and to their friends pretty easily. They have caught a grace centered life even though they might not be able to articulate it. Grace is in the air they breathe. It’s beautiful to watch.

Moms and Dads, extend grace! It’s fun and you won’t regret it.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 24, 2020.

Part 3 of 11 of Parenting Principles

My son, Ethan, had been driving for a while. Like modern parents do, we had put an app on his phone called Life 360 to track his whereabouts and keep an eye on his driving. One day we were hanging out at the neighborhood pool with friends. When our daughter, Libby, arrived at the pool she said she had seen Ethan with a bunch of friends in his car driving silly. That was particularly odd since Ethan was supposed to be at a girl’s home eating dinner with her family. I pulled out my handy dandy phone and saw that he was exactly where we expected him to be.

Yet, we didn’t believe our eyes. We believed our daughter’s eyes. Our minds ran with all the ways that Ethan could have gotten around the app. We did not believe the best in our son. I texted him. No response. I called him. No response. I called his friend and he said that he wasn’t with him. Of course, we believed that his friend was covering for Ethan, not that he was telling the truth. I called Ethan again. Finally, he picked up and he was really angry because he felt very rude answering the phone in the middle of dinner.

This scene played out in this particular way because I didn’t trust my son. I didn’t trust that he was the person that I had raised him to be. My own self doubt and sense of personal inadequacy shaped my perception of him. I was projecting myself onto him.

That night, we had a very long conversation. One where Amy and I had to do one of the hardest things in parenting: We asked forgiveness. We had to admit to Ethan that we were wrong. We failed as people to trust someone who was trustworthy. We owned our failure and asked for forgiveness. In that moment, we also felt compelled to put actions to our words and removed the app from his phone. We decided to trust him until he proved otherwise.

Over the years I have had to apologize and seek the forgiveness of Ethan and Libby often. Even when they were little. As a parent we often think we know everything. This is decidedly not true. There will be many times when situations arise that we don’t have the full picture or know all the details. We will make a snap judgment only to learn later that we were wrong in our assessment. When this happens we must own it and seek the forgiveness of the child entrusted to us.

Doesn’t this make us look weak? Doesn’t this give too much power to the child? Aren’t we putting ourselves in a position to no longer be able to have them respect us?

Decidedly, no.

When we own our failures and mistakes we humanize ourselves. We actually become a safer place for the people in our lives. They will know that they can come and be honest with us because when we get it wrong we seek to get it right in the end. There is no sense that we are “holier than thou.”

Henri Nouwen talks about becoming a “wounded healer” not a “healed wounder.” When we embrace our own brokenness before the children entrusted to us it opens the door for them to not be perfect. When we don’t hide our sin, they won’t hide theirs either. This means that the time it takes to seek and receive reconciliation in broken relationships is shorter.

If anyone can see our hypocrisy it is the children in our home. They see us at our best and our worst. Remember, children catch more from how they see us live than they are taught by our words. “Do what I say not what I do” doesn’t work in the long run. As parents, we must seek live as honestly and authentically before our kids as possible.

This is so hard to do because it demands us to be vulnerable in front of them. As parents, we all want our kids to be vulnerable with us. Yet, they won’t know how to do that unless we model this for them. One of the key ways to do this is by asking forgiveness when we blow it.

When Ethan and Libby were young, I was working full-time and going to seminary full-time. I was pretty much always exhausted. There was very little in my emotional and relational tanks at the end of a day or week. Too many times to count I was short with them for no good reason and had to say, “Please forgive me, you didn’t deserve that. Dad is really tired. I love you!” The children entrusted to you want to be in relationship with you and they are quick with a, “I forgive you dad! I love you.” Then they will run off to play.

After years and years of building this kind of foundation you come to a place where you blow it big and break their trust. Like we did with Ethan that day. When that happens you will have a platform where your pursuit of forgiveness is understood to be genuine and authentic. That day, Ethan was angry. He spoke truth to us. Ethan also forgave us and as a result our relationship was that much stronger.

If I could encourage a young parent to do just one thing, it would be to own your mistakes with your kids and ask forgiveness.

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