The one where I'm confuzzled...

Passage:

While he had their attention, and because they were getting close to Jerusalem by this time and expectation was building that God's kingdom would appear any minute, he told this story:

"There was once a man descended from a royal house who needed to make a long trip back to headquarters to get authorization for his rule and then return. But first he called ten servants together, gave them each a sum of money, and instructed them, 'Operate with this until I return.'

"But the citizens there hated him. So they sent a commission with a signed petition to oppose his rule: 'We don't want this man to rule us.'

"When he came back bringing the authorization of his rule, he called those ten servants to whom he had given the money to find out how they had done.

"The first said, 'Master, I doubled your money.'

"He said, 'Good servant! Great work! Because you've been trustworthy in this small job, I'm making you governor of ten towns.'

"The second said, 'Master, I made a fifty percent profit on your money.'

"He said, 'I'm putting you in charge of five towns.'

"The next servant said, 'Master, here's your money safe and sound. I kept it hidden in the cellar. To tell you the truth, I was a little afraid. I know you have high standards and hate sloppiness, and don't suffer fools gladly.'

"He said, 'You're right that I don't suffer fools gladly—and you've acted the fool! Why didn't you at least invest the money in securities so I would have gotten a little interest on it?'

"Then he said to those standing there, 'Take the money from him and give it to the servant who doubled my stake.'

"They said, 'But Master, he already has double . . .'

"He said, 'That's what I mean: Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag.

"'As for these enemies of mine who petitioned against my rule, clear them out of here. I don't want to see their faces around here again.'"

This is one of the hardest parables for me. It doesn’t fit into the nice and neat categories that other parables do. It also raises so many questions in my mind that probably most of you aren’t interested in. So, be prepared to be a bit bored.

Truly, in these Knee Jerk Devotionals I don’t “study up” on them. My process is simply pray, read, respond, publish. That’s it. This is my daily reading of the Scripture and personal journaling through it.

But, this parable.

Ugh.

It challenges me.

Here’s the thing, I struggle with this parable because the traditional interpretation of it just doesn’t sit right with me. I have heard this parable taught too often as a cudgel to guilt people into doing things for the church. Sure, we couch it in “faithfulness” language but, really we are simply asking, “Why are you wasting your time?”

This morning as I was thinking about it again there was a sense of guilt and shame that washed over me thinking about this passage.

Am I really being faithful?
Have I taken what God has given me and multiplied it?
Am I a good servant?

These questions lead me into a spiral of shame. I am left wondering, where is the grace in this parable? Where is the mercy?

The traditional interpretation is that Jesus is the “king” figure in the story. But, the description of the king doesn’t jive with the picture or Jesus from the rest of the Gospel.

Jesus says that his “yoke is easy and his burden is light.” He had just said that he had come to find the lost. The description here of one who “doesn’t suffer fools” or in the NIV, “a hard man.” Why the two descriptions? Could it possibly be that something else is going on here? Is Jesus really saying that if we are deficient in our good works that we will be condemned?

Welcome to my mind. I am struggling with this one this morning. I don’t have the answers. This is the beauty of the Scriptures for me. I love coming to these places and not having an answer. I get to search, study, research, think, process, pray. It energizes me and ignites my imagination.

So, if you don’t mind I’m going to wrap this up, I have some thick books to start digging through and some time to be spent on Google Scholar.

I'm hiding and you can't see me...

Passage:

Then Jesus entered and walked through Jericho. There was a man there, his name Zacchaeus, the head tax man and quite rich. He wanted desperately to see Jesus, but the crowd was in his way—he was a short man and couldn't see over the crowd. So he ran on ahead and climbed up in a sycamore tree so he could see Jesus when he came by.

When Jesus got to the tree, he looked up and said, "Zacchaeus, hurry down. Today is my day to be a guest in your home."

Zacchaeus scrambled out of the tree, hardly believing his good luck, delighted to take Jesus home with him. Everyone who saw the incident was indignant and grumped, "What business does he have getting cozy with this crook?"

Zacchaeus just stood there, a little stunned. He stammered apologetically, "Master, I give away half my income to the poor—and if I'm caught cheating, I pay four times the damages."

Jesus said, "Today is salvation day in this home! Here he is: Zacchaeus, son of Abraham! For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost."

Zacchaeus reminds us that to follow Jesus results in a changed life. The resultant actions of the one changed is to actually live life differently. The story of Zacchaeus also reminds us that there is no use hiding from Jesus.

The Message here is a bit ambiguous in its reading of Zacchaeus’ response. It almost reads like he was already giving away from half his income and paying back damages. But, when you turn to the NIV or NRSV, it is clear that this was his response to being invited into relationship with Jesus.

Table fellowship in the first century was a really big deal. Jesus sitting down at the table of Zacchaeus was him declaring that they were in a close, personal, almost familial relationship. This simple act by Jesus was restoring Zacchaeus to his community. We learn at the end of the story that Zacchaeus was Jewish. So, he was definitely understood to be a traitor by his own people. He was probably on the outside looking in at much of the life in Jericho. Most likely he was not welcome at Synagogue or anywhere else.

Yet, Jesus sits and eats with him. Zacchaeus in response gives to the poor and makes restitution to those he’s cheated. Do you notice that Zacchaeus doesn’t even try to cover up the fact that he had cheated people? He acknowledges readily and says, “Let me make this right.”

I think of all the things in the passage perhaps that is the one that strikes me most deeply, when we come into the presence of Jesus we are laid bare. There is no hiding. There is no faking. All of who we are is brought into the light. Perhaps that is why so many of us try to domesticate Jesus into our own image? Perhaps that is why many of us have turned Christianity into an intellectual game?

How am I trying to hide from Jesus? How are you trying to hide? Guess what, we can’t hide. He is the best finder and he will restore us.

Trying to hide from Jesus is like when you play hide and seek with a baby. They simply hide by closing their eyes or covering their face with their hands. “You can’t see me!” They declare. Yet, we can see them. No matter how hard they squeeze their eyes or press their hands over their face, it doesn’t change the fact that we can see them.

When we attempt to hide ourselves from Jesus we are like that little child. Instead, let us be like Zacchaeus, totally exposed and leaning on the grace of Christ as we lived changed lives.

The one about bringing the outsider in...

Passage:

Then Jesus took the Twelve off to the side and said, "Listen carefully. We're on our way up to Jerusalem. Everything written in the Prophets about the Son of Man will take place. He will be handed over to the Romans, jeered at, made sport of, and spit on. Then, after giving him the third degree, they will kill him. In three days he will rise, alive." But they didn't get it, could make neither heads nor tails of what he was talking about.

He came to the outskirts of Jericho. A blind man was sitting beside the road asking for handouts. When he heard the rustle of the crowd, he asked what was going on. They told him, "Jesus the Nazarene is going by."

He yelled, "Jesus! Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!"

Those ahead of Jesus told the man to shut up, but he only yelled all the louder, "Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!"

Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over. When he had come near, Jesus asked, "What do you want from me?"

He said, "Master, I want to see again."

Jesus said, "Go ahead—see again! Your faith has saved and healed you!" The healing was instant: He looked up, seeing—and then followed Jesus, glorifying God. Everyone in the street joined in, shouting praise to God.

Last week I wrote about the persistent widow and a persistent faith. This morning we see another example of persistent faith in the story of the blind man.

What I think is really interesting here is how obvious it becomes that he is on the outside of his community looking in. As great as the miracle of “seeing” is, it is really only a small part when we look at the story through the lens of the blind man.

Jesus is rolling into Jericho. At the outskirts of the city, the part of the city that would have left the man unprotected and exposed to all kinds of dangers, the blind man was begging. In so many ways he was sitting outside the life of his society. He couldn’t work and so he was dependent on the alms giving of those entering and leaving the town. He was physically outside of the town so he couldn’t get money from those residents milling about in the town square. This man was physically an outsider.

Once he is told about Jesus coming to town he begins to cry out for mercy from Jesus. What happens? He is told to be quiet. His voice is silenced by those who were not excluded from the community. The blind man’s position in the community was reinforced by the attempt to keep him from receiving mercy. He didn’t deserve it. He was a blind beggar on the outskirts, it would be better for him to be quiet.

Yet, this blind man persisted. He lived out the parable of the widow. We read that he didn’t back down, he didn’t get quiet, he didn’t shut up. No, he cried out all the louder and all the more. The blind man had a faith that persisted in the face of resistance. He kept crying out for Jesus to have mercy.

Did you catch what Jesus did in response? “Jesus stopped and ordered him to be brought over.” There was a physical change in location for the man. He was brought to Jesus. He was physically moved from the outside to the inside, close to Jesus. This was the beginning of reconciling the man not only to God but also the community. Then, Jesus heals the man.

What happens next? “He looked up, seeing—and then followed Jesus, glorifying God. Everyone in the street joined in, shouting praise to God.” He had become part of the community. He was now in the midst of the crowd and following Jesus and worshiping with the community around Jesus.

We cannot miss how what was really going on here was the inclusion of the man into the community as a result of his healing. It was just that he regained sight. It was that he was no longer left on the outskirts of town to fend for himself. He was brought into connection, community, and society. In a very real and clear sense he was redeemed and reconciled.

His persistent faith brought him into deeper connection with those around him.

I keep praying that God will open my eyes to those on the outside who are crying out, “Jesus have mercy on me!” And instead of telling them to shut up I want to bring them close to Jesus. Too often over the last 70 years or so, those who have been crying out, “Jesus have mercy on me!” have been told to shut up.

We need to change that.

The one where I confess...

Passage:

He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: "Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: 'Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.'

"Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, 'God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.'"

Jesus commented, "This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you're going to end up flat on your face, but if you're content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself."

As I read this passage this morning the question was loud and clear: Which of these two men am I?

Clearly, I’m the Pharisee.

I have a very high regard for my personal level of awesome. I’m quite confident in the depth and purity of my faith. As look out at the world around me I see so many “tax collectors” that I am glad I am not like.

You may think I’m being facetious or trying to make myself look contrite by identifying with the “villain” of this story. That’s an old preacher’s trick by the way, you make yourself look bad but in so doing you’re making yourself look good (the Apostle Paul did it quite a bit and it makes me chuckle).

I’m completely serious. Over the last number of years there have been so many people that I have looked down my nose at. As I reflect on this reality it makes me a little sick to my stomach. Sure, I talk a big game about loving well and all that, but in those places deep down that we don’t talk about at parties, I am this Pharisee.

One of my favorite song writers is Derek Webb. He wrote a song called “Crooked Deep Down” the opening lines go like this:

My life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
Just don't ask my real good friends
Because they will lie to you
Or worse, they'll tell the truth

Because there are things you would not believe
That travel into my mind
I swear i try and capture them
But always set 'em free
It seems bad things comfort me

This story told by Jesus reminds me that this is the reality of what is going on in my soul. If I were really honest about myself, then I’d have an attitude towards the divine and others would be more like the “tax collector.”

I hope that I’m growing in this.

I see in myself much self-righteousness and arrogance. I desperately want to eradicate those things from my life.

How about you? Where are you in the process? With whom do you most closely identify in this story?

Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash

I know the headings in the Bible are not Scripture. But, every once in a while the heading brings me up short. I opened my copy of the Scriptures and turned to Matthew 1. The heading immediately following the genealogy of Jesus says, in bold, Joseph Accepts Jesus as His Son.

Thankfully, my dad has always accepted me as his son. But there have been times when our relationship has been more distant than either of us would have liked. I distinctly remember a period in my life when all I wanted was to hear him say, “I’m proud of you.” When that day came it lifted my spirit and soul in a way that is difficult to explain.

When I saw that heading my mind immediately went to friends who have not been accepted by their parents. The hurt, anguish, and heartbreak of their experience is too painful for words. Some of you reading this, may have experienced similar trauma in your life. If you have, I am so sorry. To be found unacceptable by a parent is more painful than anything I could describe. My heart aches with yours.

Jesus, prior to being born could have experienced something similar. The Scriptures say,

His mother Mary was pledged to be married Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. (Matthew 1:18–19)

The story continues that Joseph had a dream and the angel of the Lord appeared to him and explained everything. Most importantly he helped Joseph understand the singular importance of the life that Mary carried inside her: “he will save his people from their sins.” Joseph most likely didn’t think of that the way modern Evangelicals do. He most likely thought that this meant his son would become a great military leader and lead the Jews to victory over the Romans, bringing them out of exile.

Joseph wakes up and did what he was commanded to do. In other words, he continued to be a man who was faithful.

Ultimately, God the Father wanted to make sure that God the Son’s earthly father accepted him. What beauty is that? What great love?

One of my favorite television shows is The Resident. One of the story lines is about a doctor who was adopted and then his birth parents came back wanting a relationship. It is beautiful as they work through all the emotions and desires of the birth parents wanting what was best for their son. There is also great beauty in the relationship of the son to the adoptive parents. This was all rooted in the context of mutual love.

In some sense Joseph was Jesus’ adoptive father. He had to make a choice to accept him or not. He chose acceptance and cared for him as his own.

I think that in this story of Jesus we see our own stories reflected. We desire to be loved and accepted, particularly by those closest to us. We often fear that our parents will reject us. Or our spouses or close friends. In each of us is the innate desire to be loved for who we are, accepted.

This played out for me with a desire to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.” When he did, I knew that I was accepted. There was a confidence in me that he saw me for who I was and embraced me. If my story was ever written the heading of that chapter would be Mark Accepts Dan as His Son and it would it be beautiful, because it was. And the thing is, it wasn’t some big momentous occasion, it was just a comment in a phone call. Those are often when beauty shines brightest.

Do you have stories of acceptance? Or stories of not being accepted? I invite you to share them in the comments. If you need someone to embrace you and let you know you’re accepted, reach out, I’m here.

Originally published at https://danrose.substack.com.

I am fascinated by the person of Jesus. There is no other person in the history of the world that I would more like to have a beverage with. He’d probably have a few glasses of wine and I would enjoy a nice bourbon. Most likely, we’d be enjoying some hummus, pita, and a plate of fresh fruit and vegetables.

Honestly, I dream often about this.

In my imagination, he’s quick with a laugh, an ironic comment, and has a sly smile. In my mind’s eye he’s also one who moves beyond small talk to discussions of substantial things. He challenges you in all the best ways. There is little that escapes his attention. He is confident, but humble. Strong and bold, yet gentle.

Those are the images that I get from reading his story in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

These images draw me in and I want to know more.

I am pretty sure that I could read stuff on the “historical” Jesus on a never ending basis. Documentaries about Jesus are like catnip for me. I can’t turn away. Apparently, I have a never ending hunger for information about Jesus.

Perhaps it’s because there are so many theories. Maybe, it’s because the quest for a “historical” Jesus is somewhat elusive. Whatever it is, I have not found a person in history that piques my interest or curiosity more than Jesus of Nazareth.

I think one of the things that I appreciate about the story of Jesus is that it’s honest. Right from the jump, his family history is not that great. If you just hit the highlights, Abraham was a habitual liar and raped his slave at the request of his wife and got her pregnant. Rahab was a prostitute. Judah committed adultery with his daughter-in-law because he she was a prostitute and got her pregnant. King David was a rapist and a murderer. Jesus also had some good folks in his family like Ruth, Boaz, Hezekiah, and Josiah.

When I consider my family history particularly in relation to divorce and substance abuse, I used to feel shame. We often joke that our family tree is more of a family hedgerow due to divorce and remarriage. As I was moving toward marriage there was a very real sense of dread and worry that I would perpetuate that cycle. Amy and I decided that we would never use the “D” word or even joke about it.

As messed as my family history is, when I compare it to the likes of Jesus’ family history it pales in comparison. Jesus’ family was dysfunctional and yet he overcame that dysfunction. What is even more beautiful to me is that those who wrote his story down didn’t shy away from the ugly parts. They leaned into them and put them on display.

Jesus, came from a family that knew brokenness and pain. His family knew shame and dishonor. He could identify and empathize with those whose family stories were similar to his. People like me who aren’t necessarily proud of the way our family histories shook out can find, in Jesus, someone who says, “I get it.” He shows us that from that place we can redeem the family heritage and help to leverage and highlight the good and the beautiful aspects of that history, while not ignoring the hard stuff.

In the person Jesus, I can see my own story and its redemption.

There are many aspects of the Jesus story that are beautiful. But, this part of his humanity may be the most attractive and intriguing. It is in his humanity that we can see ourselves and know our own stories are never beyond redemption or reconciliation.

Originally published at https://danrose.substack.com.

Part 11 of 11 on Parenting Principles

One of the most important leadership principles that I’ve learned over the years is to begin with the end in mind. When it comes to parenting this might be the most true thing. I was talking parenting one day with a friend and he said, “You know Dan, we’re not raising children, we are raising adults.” My friend put into words, so succinctly, what we had already been pursuing. I don’t think that Amy and I realized that had been the driving principle in our parenting but now that we had words for it, we have shared this with anyone who will listen.

There is a significant difference between raising children and raising adults. I’m not sure we think about this reality enough. If we are raising children then our end goal is to have children. With the rise of extended adolescence we are seeing the results of this parenting principle. We, the adults are making decisions that don’t propel children toward adulthood but seek to keep them in a state of childhood.

What do I mean? We are seeing a rise of children with an over-dependence on their parents well past the time they should be. We, parents, love feeling needed. It gives us a sense of identity. I am a mom. I am a dad. When parenthood becomes our identity, when it fills in our, I am, then we will protect that state of being. This has given rise to the now famous “helicopter parents.” They follow their children around and hover over them well into what used to be adulthood. If we, parents, are all honest with ourselves we love being needed by our children. And, if raising children is the end that we have in mind then that is where they will stay.

What I don’t mean is that we should expose children to adult themes and realities at extremely young ages. Kids growing up too fast is real thing in our day. Many kids are growing up in situations where they have to deal with adult issues at extremely young ages and this creates significant problems too. We need to intentionally give children increasing amounts of responsibility and ownership over their lives. We don’t just let a five year old fend for themselves. In some segments of our society this is the sad reality and it has disastrous consequences.

Moving children intentionally toward adulthood begins to shape our thinking about the decisions we make in our parenting. We will be on the lookout for opportunities to hand more authority over to them. This is scary for us as parents, particularly when we find our identities rooted in the children.

For example, let’s talk about letting go of dressing our children. When this process begins, most kids will put some crazy combination of clothing on their bodies. Boys, for some reason, typically end up with underwear on their head. As a result, we feel shame because their clothes don’t match. This is much of the reason why we are afraid to hand over the reins of getting dressed. We don’t want to look bad because our kids are a mess. Giving over ownership and authority to a child doesn’t mean that we disengage from their process. They are learning a new skill and that means that we need to work with them in developing that skill. So, we help them learn to make appropriate choices in their wardrobe. Some days, wearing your princess costume is appropriate and other days it’s not. They won’t know when those days are unless we help them through it.

This process of teaching new skills and then letting go is difficult for parents. It’s difficult because it’s time consuming and exhausting. It’s just easier if I dress them. Indeed it is, but it doesn’t help you move toward the goal of raising an adult. There will be lots of things in their lives that will be easier if you just do it for them. But, easier is not always better. At the same time, there will be days when you’re exhausted, when your nerves have been stretched to the end, and you just need to get them dressed and out the door. Sometimes, we need to go that route. Remember, there is grace in all of this. It is art not science.

If we start with the goal of raising adults it forces us to ask some important questions. How we answer these questions begins to shape the principles that we will embrace as parents. This is because the answers will help us to see what skills, principles, and values we want to intentionally build into their lives. This gives us a road-map toward the decisions we will make as we parent and seek to move them toward adulthood.

What do I consider a successful adult to be like?

What kinds of people do I like?

What do I wish I would have known as I was stepping out into the world?

If I’m a successful parent, what will my kids be like when they are adults?

These are a few questions to wrestle with in your parenting as you think about moving the children entrusted to you towards adulthood.

Amy and I joke that we wanted our kids to grow into adults that we want to go on vacation with. I think we’ve done that. Just as importantly, I think that our kids want to go on vacation with us. You see, vacations are something you do by choice. You choose how, where, who with, and when, you want to spend your vacation. Most of us want to spend our vacations with people we enjoy being around. As our son and daughter are moving towards being on their own, we are grateful that we want to willingly spend time with them and they with us. They are the kind of adults that we want to be around.

We must start with the end in mind. Knowing where we are going is critical to getting to the destination.

Originally published at https://danielmrose.com on March 4, 2020.

Part 10 of 11 on Parenting Principles

Do as I say, not as I do.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one. There is a lot of talk about just about everything. This series of articles on parenting included. It’s all talk.

Talk. Talk. Talk.

If we are going to be serious about embracing principles of parenting then we have to live them out. This really goes for anything in our lives. I have a friend that says, “Acta Non Verba.” That translates to “actions not words.” I love this because it is a reminder that if we are all talk and no action then the talk is meaningless.

All of these things I have written about are principles that Amy and I attempt to live out on a daily basis. We succeed some days more than others. But, it is not from lack of effort. Now that our kids are older we are often called (well, I am) out by them when we fail to uphold the principles that we have sought live out.

I find this to be the greatest compliment of all.

How can that be? It seems so disrespectful, you may say. It brings me joy because it means that we live out our principles consistently enough that our children are able to identify the moments when we are falling short. If we didn’t model our principles then they would know it’s all fake. But, what they see on a regular basis is that we are living out what we have preached for their whole lives.

Modeling your principles means that you are embodying them. Words without flesh are just empty statements. They mean nothing. Jesus spoke of this when he was challenging some of the religious leaders of his day. He said that they were “whitewashed tombs.” They looked good on the outside but were dead on the inside.

Life comes from action. Principles that shape our lives are bigger than just parenting principles. Our kids will watch and see if our words line up with the way we live our lives. We must live out the words we speak.

This means that we must live lives of integrity. I am finding that true integrity is found in people whose lives are not disintegrated.

What do I mean by disintegrated? What I mean is that the person with integrity is one who has a life that is consistent across all the spheres within which they live. That is, the Facebook version is the same as the Office version is the same as the Family version is the same as the Church version is the same as the Bar version is the same as the…

You get the idea.

A person with integrity is the same wherever they are. Their life is fully integrated. For good or ill. I think one of the highest compliments you can give a person is that they live with integrity. That their life is consistent.

Even if you disagree with the way they live their life.

The person of integrity is the same wherever they are. The disintegrated person changes like the chameleon. This isn’t a moral or ethical failing, it simply removes trust.You can’t trust someone who lives without integrity (disintegrated). You can’t trust them because you never know where you stand.

Children need their parents to be integrated. They need us to have these kinds of lives that allow them to trust us. As parents we cannot create environments of trust if we don’t have integrated lives. Our principles must be embodied and lived.

I am convinced that we must live integrated lives so that our children can be sure of who their parents are. When we say, “I love you,” or “I am proud of you,” we want them to believe these statements. Because life is caught not taught, they must see on a daily basis that our words are not hollow.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on March 3, 2020.

Part 9 of 11 on Parenting Principles

I think the biggest trap that we fall into as parents is the trap of making excuses for our kids. My mom was a teacher for decades. During her time as a teacher she saw a shift occur from parents holding their children responsible for their actions to blaming the teacher. This shift is very damaging. Why? If we don’t hold our children responsible for their actions we are stunting their growth into adulthood.

Over the years of participating in sports I’ve made my share of excuses for my kids when they didn’t perform well.

“They were tired.” 
“They were sick.” 
“That official was garbage.”

I’ve used them all.

I regret it.

When you love someone you want them to succeed and you want to defend them against those who speak negatively. I’ve grown as a parent in this area. I am finding myself able to say, “He had a bad game today.” It’s really hard to do. When we look at our kids we see them through the lens of the parent.

I have written elsewhere about not tying our identity to our kids. When we make excuses for them it is rooted in our over identification with them. We feel attacked by those who are critiquing our kids, even if they are right! Why? They’re not critiquing us. Why do we feel attacked and why do we feel the need to make excuses? Because our identity is overly connected with our kids and their performances or obedience.

My rival growing up was a kid whose mom never believed her little baby ever did anything wrong. As a result he was mean and nasty whenever he felt like it. “I will call your mother,” held no sway because he knew she would believe him and not anyone else. All he had to say was, “I didn’t do it,” and that was that. It drove my own mom crazy. She held my brothers and I accountable for our actions. It didn’t matter the circumstance, “Did you know what was the right thing to do? Then why didn’t you do it?” She would often ask.

When we make excuses for the children entrusted to us we are undercutting their sense of righteousness and justice. It becomes very difficult for them to understand and know what right and wrong looks like if we do not help them learn those things. This will often come about from holding them accountable to for their actions.

Making excuses also limits their ability to reach their potential in whatever it is they are doing. I was a teacher’s pet in school. I was a “nice boy” and pretty obedient. As a result most teachers gave me a pass. I was able to skate through my education with great grades and little effort. Two teachers stand out though. The first is Mrs Kramer. I was in 5th grade and we had an assignment to edit a page of text. I was missing one of the errors and she made me stay after school until I found it. I was a “walker,” and when I didn’t arrive home at my usual time my mom came up to school. She found me angry, frustrated, and in tears hunched over a paper. Her response? She thanked Mrs Kramer. In tenth grade I received my first ever non-A, I didn’t get a B, I got a C in English. We went to parent-teacher conferences and my teacher, Ms Feldman, thought for sure my mom was about to rip her a new one. What did my mom do? She thanked Ms Feldman for holding me to a standard that fit my abilities. I credit Ms Feldman with the fact that I am a half-way decent writer today.

If we want the children entrusted to us to reach their full potential we must hold them accountable and not make excuses. Each of them will have different abilities and strengths and gifts. Our job is not to push them into something but help them pursue and accomplish the things that they have said they want to do.

Along with not making excuses for our kids, we have to avoid making excuses for ourselves. There are times when we will not be good parents. There will be times when we will just simply blow it. When those times happen we have the responsibility to own our actions and model it. Sometimes this looks like us asking for forgiveness (go check that post out, it’s a good one!). Other times it will be as a result of us being held accountable by our employer. When that happens we must own our actions and take responsibility. Remember, much of what children learn is caught not taught.

Not making excuses for our kids is the hardest thing I have had to learn as a parent. It’s a principle that I wish I had embraced earlier. I’m still learning it and still catch myself being overly defensive when it comes to my kids.

It’s all a process.

I’ll keep trying and invite you to do so too!

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on March 2, 2020.

Part 8 of 11 on Parenting Principles

After my parents divorce I will never forget something that my mom told us over and over: You will not be a statistic. She never let us use the fact that our parents were divorced as an excuse to do poorly in school or misbehave. My dad would often talk to us about how people knew our last name and that what we did reflected on the family business. My parents had expectations for my brothers and I. Amy’s (my wife) parents had similar expectations for her and her sisters. There was an expectation of hard work, commitment, and the pursuit of excellence.

Some people think that “expectation” is a dirty word. Sometimes “expectation” becomes an opportunity for legalism and judgment. That is a possible threat. Often when I talk about expectations people immediately jump to an image of a parent living vicariously through their children in some activity. Do we need to guard against that in our setting of expectations? Absolutely. When we make expectations about us as opposed to helping the children entrusted to us, then that is seriously problematic. How do we guard against that? I think that we do so by setting expectations at a 100,000 foot level. This means that we avoid particulars in our setting of expectations and focus on principles. There’s that word again, principle. Principles function to provide frameworks with flexibility. This means that there is room for grace, mercy, and patience. An example of overly specific expectations would be: I want my kid to be a professional baseball player. If we make that an expectation then we will experience great frustration and our child will most likely experience failure. Yes, that sets a high bar, but by being overly specific it doesn’t allow for grace and for the child to become who they were created to be.

Healthy and good expectations are broad and big picture. By being big picture, expectations allow for each child to uniquely fulfill their personal calling as a human. What we are consistently learning as parents is that whatever expectations we set for the children in our care they tend to meet. Whatever the bar is set at they tend to rise to it. Therefore, we must find and set expectations that will be challenging and hold them to a high standard but be general enough that they can uniquely rise up to them.

Even though I’ve, mostly, been successful at avoiding getting specific in this series and telling you what we do, this time I’m going share with you some of the expectations that we have for Ethan and Libby. I’m doing this because it’s easier to give examples of this than to try to give you some sort of nebulous description. In doing so, I want to remind you, take this with a grain of salt, these are things that Amy and I have chosen to embrace in our family, our setting, our circumstance, and our personal context. These are not meant to be a recipe for everyone to embrace.

One of the earliest expectations that we set is that Ethan and Libby would be friends. As all kids do they would get snippy with one another and argue. Ethan would bug Libby and she would get mad and vice versa. When those things happened we would intentionally help them figure out how to reconcile and we would remind them that we have the expectation of them being one another’s best friend. We simply expected it. There was no debate or conversation. This required us as parents to engage as “relationship counselors” on a regular basis during various seasons of life. Often, we would talk about how there is team kid and team parent. It has become a fun way to remind them they are on the same team and that they need one another. Now that they are about to move into adulthood, it appears that they are meeting that expectation. We love watching their relationship and seeing how they have one another’s backs completely. They get mad at one another and drive each other a little crazy, yet there is nobody they love more.

Another expectation that we have is that they will give 100% effort at school. We don’t worry about grades. Those will take care of themselves. What we care about is the effort. Some children are naturally gifted with the ability to succeed in school and others are not. For some, 100% effort means that they will get grades that are just good enough to graduate. For others 100% effort means that they will be placing themselves in more and more challenging environments because they can get grades with 25% effort. Do you see how a principle driven approach to expectation setting offers flexibility and room for grace?

One last example of an expectation that we have for Ethan and Libby is that they will be kind. This expectation has opened up many conversations with the kids about all kinds of things. We are able to talk about justice and loving well. It provides a context for us to challenge them to embrace those on the fringes. Kindness is broad enough that there are many avenues to enter into conversations and challenge them to continue to grow as people. Not only that, but it provides a structure for the kids to challenge us as parents too. Kindness is a clear means by which we can all sharpen one another and be vulnerable with one another.

Do not be afraid of setting expectations! They provide the paths by which we get to help children grow. The best part of having expectations? Opportunities to celebrate and affirm children’s success.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 28, 2020.