In the dark we just need a glimmer of light…
I rolled over and opened my eyes. It was dark. The darkness seemed to drip from the ceiling. My body ached and my head was pounding. The gentle sound of my wife’s breathing was the only comfort in that moment. As I lay there the anger raged inside me as I thought again of my friend dying, as I sat next to him praying for a miracle.
Staring at the imperceptible ceiling listening to her breathe in and out, listening to the fan occasionally creak, his face flooded my mind. The smile. The coy eyebrow raise when he knew he got you. The excitement of some new trinket in the man cave. There was a joy and a glimmer in his eye that always drew me in. He was a man. He laughed like a man. He cared like a man.
She continued to breathe quietly. The fan continued to gently creak. The darkness continued to close in. The rage was replaced with grief which was replaced with questions.
As I lay there praying for sleep in the darkness, I also prayed for light. I prayed that God would show himself and help me understand why this all happened. There was no “still small voice” only the breathing of my bride and the creaking of the fan.
I prayed until sleep finally came. It was one of those sleeps that felt like it lasted only a moment though in reality it lasted hours.
Sitting on the edge of the bed staring at my feet it still seemed dark, even though the sun had risen and light was streaming through the windows. There was a strange warmth there in the sun. My thoughts went to all the times that God had answered prayer, big and small. I was reminded how he repeatedly showed care for us and our little congregation.
I felt a bit more hopeful.
I still wanted to know why. I desperately want a reason. Even right now.
A couple days ago an older pastor said, “Sometimes it seems like it would be better for God to answer all prayer or none. Do miraculous stuff all the time or never. Yet, he doesn’t. God is God and we are not.”
Where is God? It turns out he is in the sunshine that cracks the darkness to warm the room. He’s in the gentle breathing of my wife and the consistent creaking of the fan. He’s in wise and honest words from a man who has lived a life with Him.
He shows himself in these tiny moments.
Where is God?
He’s there. He’s speaking. Even if he’s not giving me answers. He’s opening his arms and embracing me in the darkness. He is doing the same for you too.
Just look. You will see him.