Part 8 of 11 on Parenting Principles

After my parents divorce I will never forget something that my mom told us over and over: You will not be a statistic. She never let us use the fact that our parents were divorced as an excuse to do poorly in school or misbehave. My dad would often talk to us about how people knew our last name and that what we did reflected on the family business. My parents had expectations for my brothers and I. Amy’s (my wife) parents had similar expectations for her and her sisters. There was an expectation of hard work, commitment, and the pursuit of excellence.

Some people think that “expectation” is a dirty word. Sometimes “expectation” becomes an opportunity for legalism and judgment. That is a possible threat. Often when I talk about expectations people immediately jump to an image of a parent living vicariously through their children in some activity. Do we need to guard against that in our setting of expectations? Absolutely. When we make expectations about us as opposed to helping the children entrusted to us, then that is seriously problematic. How do we guard against that? I think that we do so by setting expectations at a 100,000 foot level. This means that we avoid particulars in our setting of expectations and focus on principles. There’s that word again, principle. Principles function to provide frameworks with flexibility. This means that there is room for grace, mercy, and patience. An example of overly specific expectations would be: I want my kid to be a professional baseball player. If we make that an expectation then we will experience great frustration and our child will most likely experience failure. Yes, that sets a high bar, but by being overly specific it doesn’t allow for grace and for the child to become who they were created to be.

Healthy and good expectations are broad and big picture. By being big picture, expectations allow for each child to uniquely fulfill their personal calling as a human. What we are consistently learning as parents is that whatever expectations we set for the children in our care they tend to meet. Whatever the bar is set at they tend to rise to it. Therefore, we must find and set expectations that will be challenging and hold them to a high standard but be general enough that they can uniquely rise up to them.

Even though I’ve, mostly, been successful at avoiding getting specific in this series and telling you what we do, this time I’m going share with you some of the expectations that we have for Ethan and Libby. I’m doing this because it’s easier to give examples of this than to try to give you some sort of nebulous description. In doing so, I want to remind you, take this with a grain of salt, these are things that Amy and I have chosen to embrace in our family, our setting, our circumstance, and our personal context. These are not meant to be a recipe for everyone to embrace.

One of the earliest expectations that we set is that Ethan and Libby would be friends. As all kids do they would get snippy with one another and argue. Ethan would bug Libby and she would get mad and vice versa. When those things happened we would intentionally help them figure out how to reconcile and we would remind them that we have the expectation of them being one another’s best friend. We simply expected it. There was no debate or conversation. This required us as parents to engage as “relationship counselors” on a regular basis during various seasons of life. Often, we would talk about how there is team kid and team parent. It has become a fun way to remind them they are on the same team and that they need one another. Now that they are about to move into adulthood, it appears that they are meeting that expectation. We love watching their relationship and seeing how they have one another’s backs completely. They get mad at one another and drive each other a little crazy, yet there is nobody they love more.

Another expectation that we have is that they will give 100% effort at school. We don’t worry about grades. Those will take care of themselves. What we care about is the effort. Some children are naturally gifted with the ability to succeed in school and others are not. For some, 100% effort means that they will get grades that are just good enough to graduate. For others 100% effort means that they will be placing themselves in more and more challenging environments because they can get grades with 25% effort. Do you see how a principle driven approach to expectation setting offers flexibility and room for grace?

One last example of an expectation that we have for Ethan and Libby is that they will be kind. This expectation has opened up many conversations with the kids about all kinds of things. We are able to talk about justice and loving well. It provides a context for us to challenge them to embrace those on the fringes. Kindness is broad enough that there are many avenues to enter into conversations and challenge them to continue to grow as people. Not only that, but it provides a structure for the kids to challenge us as parents too. Kindness is a clear means by which we can all sharpen one another and be vulnerable with one another.

Do not be afraid of setting expectations! They provide the paths by which we get to help children grow. The best part of having expectations? Opportunities to celebrate and affirm children’s success.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 28, 2020.

Part 7 of 11 on Parenting Principles

Keeping up with the Jones’ is one of the single greatest temptations that we face as parents. Someone always has the nicer car, the nicer house, or the better toys for their kids. Early on in our parenting Amy and I decided that we were going to choose experiences over stuff for our family. We have learned that this was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

How are you able to pay for travel sports on a pastor’s salary? All the travel and eating out that goes with it adds up. How do you do it? These are some of the questions that we’ve been asked over the years. It’s very simple, we have decided that providing experiences for our kids is more important than giving them things. We intentionally choose to spend on experiences because they are more significant over the long haul.

Stuff comes and goes, but experiences last a lifetime

This is absolutely true. The picture above is from the summer that we went to Budapest, Hungary. Amy was working for our denomination’s world missions organization at the time and they were holding a conference there. When we realized that we had the opportunity to get our family to another country we jumped at the chance. While Amy was working, the kids and I were able to explore a new country. The memories made will last us forever.

When you choose experience over stuff you are also choosing relationship. Just giving children stuff communicates that you would prefer them to be seen not heard. Experiences are almost always linked to engagement. Leaving town or heading out on a local adventure usually means that there are significant times where the phones are put away and we are doing something together.

My job as a pastor has always provided me with great flexibility. This means that during the summer I am a bit of a stay-at-home dad. Amy will head off to work and I will be the responsible adult at home. One summer the kids and I took off to downtown Ypsilanti for the farmer’s market. It was a really cool afternoon. We laughed a ton and had an experience together. Out of that experience came some good conversations about food and the poor. At our farmer’s market if you were on food stamps you could get tokens to use for food from the vendors. This was something that I had never seen before nor had my kids. So, as we were driving home we had a good conversation about what all that meant.

Experiences open us up to new ways of seeing the world and new people. They also help kids grow in compassion, empathy, and openness. As we explore places together the “why?” question is quick to come. As a result, we can help our kids make sense of a confusing world. It also helps them to be confident and not live in fear. I love the fact that our kids are not afraid to get in a car with their friends and check out some new place. They have learned to be aware of their surroundings and also to be curious about their world.

By choosing experience over stuff it makes it very easy to make certain decisions. When the kids come home and say they want to go out to dinner, more times than not, we say yes. Why? Because we are making the principled decision to have an experience with our kids. I don’t know why, but when you’re out at a restaurant it seems that the conversation flows easier. The phones also seem to go away, usually at the prompting of Ethan and Libby. I think it’s because there are fewer distractions. We are in a sense “trapped” together. Nobody is in the kitchen working on preparing food or thinking about cleaning up, when the fast eater finishes there’s no place for them to go. It’s almost as if our family has been trained to engage with one another when we are out and about.

This principle more than any other may point most clearly as to why we have decided to parent from a principled perspective. It helps us to make decisions in the context of our parenting. Parenting is hard enough without always having to go back to the drawing board for every single decision. By embracing a principle of experience over stuff we are able to quickly say “yes” and just as easily say “no.” The impact that this has is one that I’m not sure we will ever fully be able to know. Choosing how to spend money is something that can be so hard when you’re making those decisions in a vacuum. There are going to be times when the kids to have some “thing.” When they were little it was so nice to be able to say, “We aren’t going to buy that because it’s way more fun to go to Florida and play at the beach with your cousins.” This helps them gain perspective and see the value in people and experience over the value of stuff. Now that they are older they just get it.

When you choose experience over stuff you are creating a context where the children who are entrusted to you will begin to comprehend that the greater value is people and relationship. An adventure and a meal is so much more significant than a shiny object that will lose its luster after a few weeks.

Parents, let’s choose experience over stuff!

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 27, 2020.

Part 6 of 11 on Parenting Principles

There is this great video that circulates on social media every so often. It is a dad and his son sitting on the couch watching a show. The little boy is probably about a year old. The two of them are having an in depth conversation about whatever it is they are watching. It’s absolutely hilarious and adorable. The little guy is babbling and the dad is responding to him. Their conversation is absolutely brilliant.

One of the principles that we have followed over our years of parenting is that we have made the conscious decision to speak with our kids. There is an old saying that children are to “be seen, not heard.” That is absolute baloney. Kids are part of our family structure, critically important members of the household and they need to speak and be spoken to.

Over the years we have had to make some big family decisions, like any family does. When we do, our family gets around a table and talks through the decision together. We don’t speak down to our kids, we tell them like it is and invite them into the process. I am so thankful for the insight and input they have offered. Because we engage them in this way, they have always felt part of the decision making process and have owned the decisions with my wife and I.

I’m not a child psychologist, so take the following with a grain of salt. I did a bit of research on the Google Machine regarding talking to your babies. Some research shows that baby talk (you know googoo gaagaa and the like) are good. Some research shows that using real language with your baby is the best. I think that the key thing to remember is that whichever approach you use what is important is that you are engaging your child. We weren’t big “baby talk” parents. We typically spoke to our kids like we would anyone else. I think that helped them in language development and having the confidence to speak with a variety of people.

In our day and age one of the most difficult things to do is to put our mobile devices away and be present with those around us. These little handheld computers are ever present. My kids have called me out more times than I can count about my device at the dinner table. They want me to be present with them. Why? Because we have always spoken to them. For their whole lives we have been intentional to engage them in conversation. As a result, when we are disengaged it bothers them and they know that they can call us on that. It’s never fun to be challenged by your kids, but when it does we are wise to listen.

Part of the process of speaking to our children is teaching them how to have conversations. There are little things like looking people in the eyes when you meet them or turn your body to face the person you’re speaking to. We try really hard to not simply yell to one another from other rooms in our home. My wife is really good about intentionally inviting us to whatever room she is in to talk.

People have consistently been impressed by our children’s ability to converse and connect with kids and adults. When you actually talk to your kids they learn from you how to engage in conversation. Remember, much of this is caught, not taught. We cannot be afraid of having hard conversations with our kids. Whether it is religion, politics, our bodies, pop culture, or anything in between. I try to be as honest as possible with them. There are times when I’m not an open book because it’s not healthy for them. However, if I want them to be authentic with me, I need to model that.

As our kids have walked through the various difficulties of life, there have been many conversations about my own doubts and struggles. I haven’t hidden those. This creates a context where they know that we can talk about such things because Mom and Dad don’t have it all figured out, they don’t have to either.

Inherent in all of this is the absolute necessity for parents to listen. Too often we think we have it all figured out and when it comes to engaging with our kids we are simply waiting for our next opportunity to speak. If we’re really honest, that’s how most of our conversations go, even with adults. Listening to our children communicates trust, respect, and love. It’s very difficult to listen to someone you don’t trust. It’s even harder if you don’t respect them. If you don’t love them, it might be impossible. If we want to build authentic relationships with our kids then we must listen to them. They know when we are not paying attention or we are going through the motions. It’s going to happen. The 117th time they’ve talked about some tv show that we have no interest in, our eyes are going to glaze over. But, we have to be sure that we are listening intently so as to not miss what is important. They will give us clues as to why something is important to them. This is what we want to discover and then fan that into a flame.

All of this comes back to the principle of “speak with them.” When we intentionally engage our kids in conversation we begin to create the environment for so many of the other principles.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 26, 2020.

Part 5 on Parenting Principles

Shortly after Ethan was born a couple from the church we were attending invited us over to their home for lunch. The purpose was to sit around and talk parenting. They were significantly further down the road than we were. We did lunch a good handful of times and it was really helpful for Amy and I.

One of the things that we talked about was disciplining children. At this point, you may think I’m going to write about what kind of discipline that they suggested. I’m not. That is something that you need to work through on your own. Honestly, I don’t remember if they even suggested a particular type of disciplinary style to us or not. What I do remember is that they encouraged us to be consistent in whatever we did.

Over the years I’ve learned that consistency in parenting, particularly relating to discipline, is one principle that is easier talked about than done. So, how do you practice consistency?

First, realize that whatever punishment you mete out to the child entrusted to you is your punishment as well. What do I mean? There are consequences to decisions that parents make and often we don’t think about those consequences until after the fact. For instance, if you ground a child for a week, you’re grounded too. This often means that a grounding usually only lasts as long as it’s convenient for the parent. As a result, Amy and I found that identifying things of value and withholding them were far more effective measures, because they allowed us to be consistent.

Second, let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no.” Something that we did for a period of time was what I call the “counting game.” We would ask Ethan to do something and then start counting. Guess what? He never did anything on “1.” He was always pressure prompted, so to speak. After a while, especially after Libby was born, we decided to simply have the expectation that they would do something when we asked. This helped them learn to respect other people, not just mom and dad. It also brought the tension level down in our home. We would come alongside in the moment and help them accomplish what we asked. As they got older, it was just part of them to respond or to say, “I am in the middle of something. I will do it when I’m done.”

Third, make sure the punishment fits the crime. It is very difficult to be consistent if you’re all over the map in your discipline. You want to be sure that you don’t go over board on small things and have no place to go for big things.

Fourth, figure out what hills you’re going to fight for. Everything doesn’t need to be a struggle to dominance. Clearly identify your family priorities. For instance, we have focused most of our discipline in the areas of gratitude, relational connection, truth telling, and respect. As a result, there are a lot of other things we have let slide. We will talk about other stuff and raise issues with the kids as we see them, but if they aren’t in one of those key areas we rarely “discipline” for what we’ve identified are small issues.

Finally, we have learned to try and not practice discipline when we are angry. Anger gives way to over punishment and lack of grace. There are many times when I have had to remove myself for a period of time to collect myself. It is nearly impossible to be consistent when you’re mad. There is nothing wrong with letting some time pass and circling back for the conversation. Everything does not need to be done in the moment.

Consistency is crucial. It creates an environment where everyone knows where they stand. If we are inconsistent then the environment that kids find themselves in will be unstable. This instability leads to more difficulties in the long run.

Consistency isn’t just about discipline. We must be consistent in praise and encouragement too. Parents have the unique role of speaking life and love into the children entrusted to them. Do not lose sight of this! There is nothing better than holding your son or daughter close and whispering words love and affirmation to them. You can actually feel their whole body relax and even when they’re teens you can feel their head nestle just a bit closer.

I have written elsewhere about the importance of grace, truth, and time in our development of people. When we consistently speak and apply grace, truth, and time to the children entrusted to us we give them the best chances of growing into kind, loving, and gracious adults.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 25, 2020.

Part 4 of 11 on Principles of Parenting

I don’t remember the details of what happened. Ethan was probably five or six. What I do remember is that he was disobedient. Whatever it was that he did, Amy and I were angry about it. I am sure I raised my voice and sent him to his room.

While the details are foggy, what I do remember is going into his room and sitting with him on his bed. He was crying. Those deep sobs that only little kids who are fully aware of their shame and guilt can cry. The tears were gigantic. The breaths were deep and his whole body shuttered.

I looked at him and we talked about what had happened. We discussed whatever this really huge deal was. Then I pulled him in close and told him we were not going to punish him. Mom and I were going to extend to him grace. We talked about what that meant how it’s a very special gift.

One of the greatest things that we get to do as parents is extend grace. There will be times when the children who are entrusted to us will be disobedient. It is just part of the reality of being human. Many times we will need to discipline them and be consistent in doing so. Yet, there will be times that we get to live the gospel by extending grace.

When that happens, we have the responsibility to explain what is going on and what it is we are doing. It’s not just ignoring the bad behavior. No, we get to model what Jesus did for us on the cross. The grace of Christ is one that is not cheap. It cost something. In the same way, the grace that we extend to the children entruted to us is costly. Extending grace requires time and patience and often difficult conversations.

Often, it is easier to simply punish. Punishment is focused and it is something that is clean. If we are honest with ourselves, punishment often feels good because we feel like we are accomplishing something.

Grace on the other hand often feels like we are shirking responsbility. This could not be further from the truth. When we extend grace we are embodying love and truth in a way that is more powerful than any measure of discipline could ever be.

I love being able to extend grace to Ethan and Libby. As they have aged that begins to look different than it did when they were little. Now, grace looks a lot like me extending extra time for things we have asked them to do. More times than not it is us listening to them and hearing their “side of the story.” These moments of grace are significant and beyond important.

When we extend grace it creates a context for them to know that they will not be crushed by rules or legalism. Amy and I often look for ways to extend grace to our kids. This means that we limit the number of rules in our home. We want them to feel and know that they live in a context of grace, every single day.

When we create an environment of grace it provides our kids with the knowledge that they can come to us with anything. I don’t want my kids to ever feel that I am unsafe. Life comes at all of us pretty fast and we need to know who are the people that we can trust. Amy and I desperately want to be at the top of that list for Ethan and Libby. I think that we have succeeded. That success, I believe, is largely rooted in the context of grace that we have built over the last 18 years.

One last thing that I have noticed is that Ethan and Libby extend grace to one another and to their friends pretty easily. They have caught a grace centered life even though they might not be able to articulate it. Grace is in the air they breathe. It’s beautiful to watch.

Moms and Dads, extend grace! It’s fun and you won’t regret it.

Originally published at [danielmrose.com](https://danielmrose.com) on February 24, 2020.

Part 3 of 11 of Parenting Principles

My son, Ethan, had been driving for a while. Like modern parents do, we had put an app on his phone called Life 360 to track his whereabouts and keep an eye on his driving. One day we were hanging out at the neighborhood pool with friends. When our daughter, Libby, arrived at the pool she said she had seen Ethan with a bunch of friends in his car driving silly. That was particularly odd since Ethan was supposed to be at a girl’s home eating dinner with her family. I pulled out my handy dandy phone and saw that he was exactly where we expected him to be.

Yet, we didn’t believe our eyes. We believed our daughter’s eyes. Our minds ran with all the ways that Ethan could have gotten around the app. We did not believe the best in our son. I texted him. No response. I called him. No response. I called his friend and he said that he wasn’t with him. Of course, we believed that his friend was covering for Ethan, not that he was telling the truth. I called Ethan again. Finally, he picked up and he was really angry because he felt very rude answering the phone in the middle of dinner.

This scene played out in this particular way because I didn’t trust my son. I didn’t trust that he was the person that I had raised him to be. My own self doubt and sense of personal inadequacy shaped my perception of him. I was projecting myself onto him.

That night, we had a very long conversation. One where Amy and I had to do one of the hardest things in parenting: We asked forgiveness. We had to admit to Ethan that we were wrong. We failed as people to trust someone who was trustworthy. We owned our failure and asked for forgiveness. In that moment, we also felt compelled to put actions to our words and removed the app from his phone. We decided to trust him until he proved otherwise.

Over the years I have had to apologize and seek the forgiveness of Ethan and Libby often. Even when they were little. As a parent we often think we know everything. This is decidedly not true. There will be many times when situations arise that we don’t have the full picture or know all the details. We will make a snap judgment only to learn later that we were wrong in our assessment. When this happens we must own it and seek the forgiveness of the child entrusted to us.

Doesn’t this make us look weak? Doesn’t this give too much power to the child? Aren’t we putting ourselves in a position to no longer be able to have them respect us?

Decidedly, no.

When we own our failures and mistakes we humanize ourselves. We actually become a safer place for the people in our lives. They will know that they can come and be honest with us because when we get it wrong we seek to get it right in the end. There is no sense that we are “holier than thou.”

Henri Nouwen talks about becoming a “wounded healer” not a “healed wounder.” When we embrace our own brokenness before the children entrusted to us it opens the door for them to not be perfect. When we don’t hide our sin, they won’t hide theirs either. This means that the time it takes to seek and receive reconciliation in broken relationships is shorter.

If anyone can see our hypocrisy it is the children in our home. They see us at our best and our worst. Remember, children catch more from how they see us live than they are taught by our words. “Do what I say not what I do” doesn’t work in the long run. As parents, we must seek live as honestly and authentically before our kids as possible.

This is so hard to do because it demands us to be vulnerable in front of them. As parents, we all want our kids to be vulnerable with us. Yet, they won’t know how to do that unless we model this for them. One of the key ways to do this is by asking forgiveness when we blow it.

When Ethan and Libby were young, I was working full-time and going to seminary full-time. I was pretty much always exhausted. There was very little in my emotional and relational tanks at the end of a day or week. Too many times to count I was short with them for no good reason and had to say, “Please forgive me, you didn’t deserve that. Dad is really tired. I love you!” The children entrusted to you want to be in relationship with you and they are quick with a, “I forgive you dad! I love you.” Then they will run off to play.

After years and years of building this kind of foundation you come to a place where you blow it big and break their trust. Like we did with Ethan that day. When that happens you will have a platform where your pursuit of forgiveness is understood to be genuine and authentic. That day, Ethan was angry. He spoke truth to us. Ethan also forgave us and as a result our relationship was that much stronger.

If I could encourage a young parent to do just one thing, it would be to own your mistakes with your kids and ask forgiveness.

Be sure to leave comments, questions, and thoughts. If you liked this article please share it or drop a clap or two. That’s how it will be found by others.

Part 2 of 11 of Parenting Principles

When you have your first kid, everyone, and I mean everyone, gives you advice. You get advice from the lady in the grocery store and the man behind you in line at the movie theater. Wherever you go, advice rolls in.

One day my wife, Amy, was at an office store running an errand for our ministry team at Illinois State and baby Ethan was hungry and tired. He was doing what little ones do when they get hungry and tired, crying, melting down, he was absolutely losing it. The well meaning lady behind the register looked at Amy and handed her a brochure about raising a child with autism, “You may find this helpful.”

Some advice is better than others. You have to learn quickly what advice to hold onto and what advice to let go of. I think that one of the most important pieces of advice, one that became a core principle for us, was “your child’s sin is not your sin.”

Some time later Amy and I are were at Panera trying to have a little lunch. Ethan had just found his running legs. As young parents we made the mistake of taking him out of the high chair and then began putting on our coats. In an instant he was gone! My dude was running laps around Panera. It was one of the moments that you have to decide if you’re going to chase him or try to out smart him. We attempted to use our superior intellects by trying to corner him from two different directions. He stopped, giggling, looked to the left and then to the right. Before we could grab him, he took off into the kitchen! Thankfully, one of our friends was the manager and scooped him up, “Did you lose something guys?”

Every person who parents a child has stories they could tell where they wanted to crawl up under a rock somewhere because of the ridiculous actions taken by their child. The Panera story is cute now, but in the moment we were absolutely mortified. Amy and I experienced shame.

Why? Why did we experience shame from the actions of our little boy? It’s because our identities were too deeply connected to him. Whatever Ethan did, we saw it as an extension of ourselves. I think if we are honest this is why obedience is such a significant benchmark for parents in their evaluation of their parenting. The thinking goes, “if my kids are obedient then I am a good parent.” Similarly, “If my child is a good person then I am a good person. If they are a bad person then I must be a bad person.”

This is dangerous thinking.

When we link our identities to another person, whether it’s a child entrusted to us or another adult, what happens is that we begin to lose our sense of self.

Here is the truth of the matter, we are our own and the children entrusted to us are their own.

We must teach the children entrusted to us that they are responsible for their actions. This means that when they do well, we praise them for doing well. It’s not our success, it is theirs. When they fall short and make mistakes, we help them understand that they must own those mistakes. It’s not our failure, it is theirs.

This is infinitely more difficult when children are young. Why? Because they don’t have the capacity for complex thinking. Yet, they will learn from how you respond and how you carry yourself through the ups and downs of life together. So much of this is caught by the children in your home as opposed to taught.

Two tangible ways that Amy and I have practiced this principle is to remind one another that the actions of our children are their own. We also avoid manipulative language like, “You make me feel…” As adults, we have the responsibility to be wise and measured in our responses to children’s behavior. This is easier said than done. It requires significant attention and intentionality. Caring for a child is all the time. Parenting a child never ends. The vigilance required to avoid this kind of language is exhausting but critically important.

One of the important things that comes as a result of embracing this principle is that you, as the parent, are able to truly speak truth in love and extend grace. Why? When we are able to differentiate ourselves from the children entrusted to us we can actually see them as individuals and not simply an extension of ourselves. This means that we can, with authenticity, hold the tension of truth, love, and grace. We can do so without adding shame and guilt into the equation.

As children grow older they inevitably sin, like everyone else. When they do, Amy and I, can speak grace, truth, and love. We are able to hold them accountable without experiencing shame or guilt ourselves. In some sense, we can dispassionately hold them accountable.

In the next paragraph I’m going to write briefly about the Christian perspective about why this is principle is important. If that’s not your bag, you can skip the paragraph, it’s OK. I hope you won’t, it’s of central importance in my life and I hope at the very least it will help you know me better.

For those of you reading this that are followers of Jesus this principle also lays the groundwork for the reality that you are not the savior. Our jobs as parents is not to try and take the sin of the children entrusted to us as our own. Jesus did that completely and perfectly on the cross. Our job is to point to Jesus and to remind the children and ourselves who the savior is. When we fail, when they fail, there is only one means by which the effects and consequences of sin have been done away with, the cross of Christ. Sin’s curse is the breaking of relationship with one another and God. Christ has redeemed and reconciled those relationships through his work on the cross. It is up to us to now experience that forgiveness by faith.

“Their sin is not your sin.” This principle frees us to love the children entrusted to us well. It allows us to speak truth, grace, and love with authenticity apart from guilt and shame.

Be sure to leave comments, questions, and thoughts. If you liked this article please share it or drop a clap or two. That’s how it will be found by others.

Part 1 of 11 Parenting Principles

Any time that I ask people what they want me to write about, almost always the topic of parenting comes up. A few years ago I wrote a little article with ten principles that have shaped our parenting. So, I thought it might be helpful to flesh out some of these ideas in their own posts.

Before I begin the series I want to make sure that I share a word of warning with you. Parenting is intensely personal. What works for one set of parents may not necessarily work for another. Children are unique and different. No two settings, families, or situations are exactly the same. Everything I write here needs to be taken with a grain salt.

To that end, I am going to avoid specifics. You’re not going to see specific examples of how we worked out each of these principles. I am going to intentionally stay at the 10,000 foot level. That’s because I don’t want you to think that there is some sort of recipe for perfect parenting.

All of us are going to do the best that we can do. It’s hard. Parenting is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. Being entrusted with the lives of two people (in my case a son and daughter) is beyond daunting. At every turn I am just hoping that the decisions we make are not going to mess them up too bad.

There are no perfect parents. If you are a parent or want to be a parent you are engaging in art, not science. There is no way that you can predict how the children who have been entrusted to your care are going to turn out.

Yet, you can be intentional. You can try and think through a way to parent with some principles that will help you make decisions and provide a framework for your “why” when it comes to those decisions.

My encouragement to you is this: parenting can be deeply rewarding, infuriating, joyful, and painful. There will be times when you have no answers. When you come to those moments choose grace and love. I am convinced that grace and love are probably the two most important components to parenting well. If the children who are entrusted to us leave our homes and know that the people who parented them love them and are the place and people of grace for them in the midst of life’s storms, we have succeeded beyond compare.

It takes real work to embrace love and grace in your relationships with the children entrusted to your care. It will not be easy. There will be times when you will go over board one way or another. When you do, it is not the end. There will be another chance.

Parenting is like learning to ride a bike. You try and fall and try and fall and try again. Eventually, once you get your sense of balance and think you have it figured out they take your bike away.

As my son and daughter are about to leave home, I’m thankful for the years that my wife and I have had to be their parents. They have taught us about love and grace in a depth that I could not have imagine. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the time we have had with them. Their futures are their own but I believe we have built a scaffold for them to live lives of faith, love, and grace. I am excited to see what they do with their lives.

As this series progresses, please share your parenting stories and ask your questions in the comments. I look forward to journeying with you.